The Writers' Circle--C & C

[Alumette]

This is for posting Comment and Critique on peoples' writing after the post deadline.

Many people have indicated that they would like to improve their writing and see the Guru Writers' Circle as a way to do that. As such, it is critical that members of the Circle provide respectful and meaningful C&C on one anothers' work.

Examples of respectful and meaningful C&C:

"I loved how you used the insect metaphor when talking about how he felt after the battle."

"I think you have a great sense of story; I saw a couple instances where you changed verb tense there, though... like (point out one or two examples from the story)."

"I liked how you interspersed the song lyrics in between the fight scenes. It almost made it read like a movie scene!"

"I didn't like how you interspersed the song lyrics in between the fight scenes. I found it distracting, personally."

Examples of C&C that are not respectful or meaningful/helpful

"Great story, man!"

"Dude, you suck. You should just give up now."

"I liked it a lot."

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C&C are the only things that should go in this thread. Stories and requests to be a story subject should go in The Writers' Circle thread

All other Writers' Circle related stuff should go in the general Writers' Circle Spam thread

Thanks!

[sheld0n]

I would suggest that you don't continue, unless you've already read both of the texts submitted so far.
I'm pretty sure there will be spoilers.

I really liked Alumette's story. Quite original, since it seemed completely unrelated at first, but then, turned out to be more than relevant. Imperial had very little "air time", but it shown how a single decision he makes can save lives and influence people on an extremely profound level. He probably didnt even realize what he really did, when he saved the orphanage. For him, it was just another bomb to take care of, but for everyone else, it was pretty much a miracle. I think that was very well depicted in the story.
In my opinion, this aspect of heroism isnt touched often enough.
I also liked how Lydia was shown in a very personal way. All those little details, like tapping the headboard, made me care about her much more.
I would also like to add that her "going to sleep routine" was very moving.
The only thing is, that the explosion onomatopoeia seemed a little silly. You might want to replace it with something like "whirling sounds approached menacingly", for example.
Overall though, great stuff!

TopHat's story was quite good as well. There were a few spelling mistakes, but i guess that's hard to avoid in such a long text.
Imperial was really portrayed as a true icon that he is. A superstar of the elite. Perhaps the extreme wealth was even exaggerated a little.
One thing about the descriptions though, the fact that you added a lot of adjectives did help making them more rich, but you might want to try making it a little more diverse by putting a periphrasis here and there. You know, like instead of "subtle smile", you could write "a smile that melts hearts in its slightness".
The story presented by the text was definitely an interesting piece of text, showing that Imperial can never feel safe.
I could even say, it would make a great subject for a comic book adaptation.
The final battle was very difficult to present, with all the action, both in Imperial's head and outside, but i think you described it very well. Imagining it went very smoothly for me. I also think that you revealed Sarah's true intentions in the exact right moment, just when i cought on myself.
In general, it was definitely a good read. Keep it up!

[coldcut]

self-critique: I've been having a very hard time concentrating on much of anything lately, so my attempt was pretty rancid. There's a good skeleton of a story here, and it was supposed to have gone on a lot longer but I just haven't been able to push through the blocks lately. I was able to go cheesy overboard on some of the descriptions by using a sort of spoiled rich boy point of view, but I felt like it was a bad attempt at covering up problems more than anything.

Alumette: I have a hard time finding anything wrong with your story. I guess my only complaint, and this may be a matter of preference more than anything is that the descriptive bits started with "She saw, she heard, she felt" a little too much. I don't know if you'd call that passive or what, but sometimes a passage can be made a lot stronger by composing it in a more straightforward manner.

For instance:
She could hear the planes, their low rumbling, droning, like giant bees.
"the planes rumbled (overhead), droning, like giant bees"

I also agree with Sheldon's comment about the onomatopoeia. And I thank him for spelling it so I don't have to.

TopHat: This is a really neat idea. It's sort of a classic situation with a few interesting twists. The early feeling of the story is very nice, sort of lazy and dreamy, which worked very well. You sort of lost that near the end, though and the whole thing suffered. Part of the problem is that the way you resolved the crisis didn't really fit the setup. It felt like a brute strength sort of resolution. I also felt like Lady Rose gave up a little easily with her mind tricks.

Part of the issue here, and something I've had problems with in this sort of writing is that you're essentially writing a short story about a comic strip and there are some serious differences in the way that the two unfold. On a written page, action is almost vague, the reader sort of half creates for himself what's going on, and the action is usually pretty secondary to the story. In superhero comics, a lot of times it's the complete opposite.

You also need to work on your dialogue. There are far too many cliches here, and that might be informing your whole story. The characterization comes almost directly from dialogue. I strongly advise anyone who's having trouble with this to read/watch some David Mamet and this sort of point will become pretty clear.

Don't think I'm being completely negative here. Generally I have pretty high standards for writing, and you're ahead of the game by a few miles.

[TopHat]

To Alummete, I loved the story. I liked the constant counting. I felt like it gave the best impression of how something morbid got to be routine thing in a little girl's life. It's been said but great details about Lydia throughout. I felt like the end was rushed a bit. But I wouldn't say I wanted more Imperial time in it, more like I would have like to hear a childish impression he made on Lydia - something that would grow and bridge the gap to the future for me. I felt it was a jump and missed a tiny step if that makes sense.

Coldcut, I liked the idea. I liked the feel of it. It had that lazy pace that I feel happens in a real letter. I smiled at the Shakespeare reference and really liked the mention of the Illiad to describe the scene. Maybe the only thing I felt to be missing was more of a feeling of anxiety building as he got closer to shore. He was good and descriptive but seemed too calm about the facts.

Sorry if I'm bad at the critique. It took serious thought to not just say, "Enjoyed them both. Keep it coming."

[Akamaz]

Alumette: I loved the story.. there i got thet out of my system. Now on to the meat an 'taters

IU would have liked to have seen more of the impression that Impie had on the girl, it was a bit abrupt going sudenly from little girl to hero registration.

(to be continued after work)))

[Druid]

Whoops, wrong thread. I'll re-edit this later with my comments. /blush