Rolly-Polly Deathmatch #18: Anarchy in the Wild Kingdom

[The Widowed]

You know, making these Rolly-Polly Deathmatches is hard. And they often demand great sacrifices of those who arrange them.

If we must spend long hours Googling around for just the right photographs of all combatants in a particular match, we will do it.

If we must browse innumerable volumes of books, newspaper archives and internet articles for one small yet precious nugget of knowledge which will aid us in ensuring that our deathmatches are as fair and balanced as possible--and will withstand all vectors of intense scrutiny--we will do it.

And if we have to fly all over the planet, bag a bunch of huge, angry wild animals, cart them off to an abandoned zoo, slather the stinking beasts with bacon grease and doe urine and drop them all into one deep, spacious and forested pit (with a bunch of trees, rocks, bluffs and tall grass) just so we can see which of the ferocious quadrupeds survives long enough to kill off all the others and thus win its freedom....

Oh, yes. We'll be perfectly happy do that too.

Combatant #1

A Southern African Lion

Size: 8' 2" (250 cm) length, 4' (121 cm) shoulder height
Weight: 500 lbs (227 kg)
Diet: Carnivore
Notes: The second largest feline after the tiger, the lion is a swift and powerfully built predator, with crushing jaws and canine teeth which can easily reach 3 inches in length. This efficient combination serves the lion's approach of killing prey and enemies through strangulation or neckbreaking, though death through horrible wounds and blood or tissue loss are not unknown...and indeed may be the only resort against larger enemies who weigh in at double or even triple the lion's size. Though lionesses typically do most of the hunting, this specimen is a male, and psychology is a prominent arm of the male's arsenal as well; the lion's mane serves as an effective deterrent in making the lion look larger than he truly is, and many a would-be adversary has been cowed into retreat by what appears to be a superior predator. And, as we all know, felines love to chase fleeing prey.

Combatant #2

A Bengal Tiger

Size: 13 ft (4 m) length, 30" (76 cm) shoulder height
Weight: 660 lbs (300 kg)
Diet: Carnivore
Notes: Remarkably silent and stealthy for its great size, the tiger has few natural enemies, though like most animals, the tiger's most formidable enemies are human. With over 100 obfuscating stripes in its sleek coat, the tiger is a master of camouflage, and visitors going on safari through the Orient must take great care not to venture too close to a tiger's well-concealed position or--saints forbid--stumble right onto the great beast as it crouches among the tall grasses. As predators go, the tiger is considerably less aggressive and temperamental than other felines--most notably the lion, who turns man-eater far more frequently than tigers do--yet is entirely capable of slaying an enemy swiftly, brutally and with utmost finality when threatened.

Combatant #3

A North American Grizzly Bear

Size: 8' (2.44 m) on hind legs
Weight: 1,000 lbs (454.5 kg)
Diet: Omnivore
Notes: Grizzly bears have well earned their reputation as frightful and relentless aggressors, especially when famished or when defending their young; fortunately for the other combatants, this male grizzly is cubless and not exceedingly hungry (yet is hungry nonetheless). Though technically omnivorous, grizzly bears have a distinct preference for meat; when meat is not readily at hand, bears are territorial foragers, behavior which brings many a bear into conflict with their most common enemies: gray wolves and humans. Their massive bodies, resilient hides and dense layers of dermal fat lend the bear an incredible resistance to injury, and grizzly bear hunters must take care to bring plenty of stopping power when procuring shotguns and slugs for their next hunt; anything less will likely mean one more bear mauling in the local news.

Combatant #4

A Peruvian Jaguar

Size: 6' (1.83 m) length (not including a tail length of 30" (75 cm)), 30" (76 cm) shoulder height
Weight: 211 lbs (96 kg)
Diet: Carnivore
Notes: Though the smallest of the three felines in this Deathmatch, the jaguar is not to be underestimated. It is the Stalker of this battle: fleet-footed, stealthy, talented with camouflage and capable of killing its victims with one telling strike. While other great cats employ such comparatively clumsy deathblows as strangulation or neck-snapping, the jaguar's finely evolved killer instincts, mighty jaws and superbly sharp fangs serve an unusual means of executing its prey: tearing or biting cleanly through the skull and delivering a fatal pierce directly to the brain. The jaguar's gripping claws and short, powerful limbs make it a swift, sure-footed and overall superior climber, and large enemies may find themselves unable to defend themselves as the jaguar leaps and scales their backs to land its felling bite.

Combatant #5

A North American Muskox

Size: 8.2' (2.5 m) length, 5' (1.5 m) shoulder height
Weight: 500 lbs (227 kg)
Diet: Herbivore
Notes: As with many bovines, the muskox is possessed of amazing strength, toughness and endurance. And like many herbivores, it is not very aggressive...at least, not until either mating season arrives or a muskox is injured or attacked. Then the muskox's meekness flies straight out the window and the stocky, muscular beast becomes a berserk and nigh-unstoppable force of nature, shrugging off vast amounts of inflicted pain to batter its enemies to the ground and either trample them with its stoutly built legs and hooves or gore them with its thick, curling horns. It is not unknown for an injured muskox to pursue its injurer until one or the other dies, and more than one muskox has tracked an incompetent hunter across miles of Arctic terrain to arrive at the hunter's cabin, leading to a second confrontation for which the hunter may not be prepared.

Combatant(s) #6

A sounder of three male Indian Wild Boars

Size (each): About 59" (150 cm) length, about 35" (90 cm) shoulder height
Weight (each): About 154 lbs (70 kg)
Diet: Omnivore
Notes: Though not particularly inclined to eat meat, wild boars are very territorial and aggressive, especially when their piglets are present. Even though these particular boars have no piglets, if threatened, boars will throw themselves into a furious defense, and the male boar will lower its head, charge madly and slash upward with its perpetually growing tusks, which average around 7.9 inches (20 centimeters) in length; even if the victim isn't killed by the boar's attacks, dismemberment, heavy blood loss and other grievous and lasting trauma can--and often do--result. Boar hunting is a particularly dangerous sport in history's annals, even for horsemen; death for boar hunters was common in medieval times, as a raging boar could swiftly kill the hunter's horse on its first charge, leaving the hunter unhorsed and far more vulnerable to the boar's subsequent attack.

Combatant(s) #7

A pack of five Gray Wolves

Size (each): 6.5' (2 m) length, 38" (95 cm) shoulder height
Weight (each): 150 lbs (68 kg)
Diet: Carnivore
Notes: Alone, a gray wolf is not entirely aggressive, preferring to subsist on rabbits and other prey smaller than itself. In packs, however, wolves are horrifying and legendary pursuers, harrassers and killers. Their instinctual teamwork often borders on the efficiency of a hive-mind, and wolves commonly employ a variety of tactics such as sending a few wolves to lure the defenders of a prey herd away, so that the rest of the pack can surge forward from behind and take down the weaker undefended beasts. Gray wolves and grizzly bears routinely cross paths--and cross swords--with each other; though the bear often drives the wolves to flight, perhaps even killing a wolf or two in the process, many a grizzly has perished beneath a concert of lupine agility, tenacity and weight of numbers.

Combatant #8

A North American Wolverine

Size: 34" (87 cm) length, 10" (26 cm) tail, 18" (45 cm) shoulder height
Weight: 36 lbs (17 kg)
Diet: Omnivore (primarily carnivore)
Notes: "Size matters not," Yoda once said, and the wolverine is the living incarnation of this adage. Though clearly the smallest combatant in this skirmish, the wolverine brings an often unexpected lethality to the table. This beast is extremely aggressive and territorial with a very broad roaming range, and it is one of the few animals which has been known to kill for sport or without any evident reason or provocation at all. It is primarily a meat-eater equipped with wickedly sharp claws, a densely layered hide and sharp, durable teeth which curl inward, allowing the wolverine to tear away large chunks of its prey and crush bones to sup on the marrow within. It will often defend its kills and scavengings to the death, even against much larger or more numerous enemies...and, as often as not, the wolverine wins.

Fight!

[iggy880]

I refuse to defend with my choices with more then they are all awesome

[Fire Wyrm]

The wolves, tiger, and muskox would come out on top. The Wolves are able to work as a pack, the muskox is a giant freaking tank when attacked, and the tiger is just awesome. I think they lion would be one of the first to go seeing as the females are the ones that do the hunting.

[Nerfed]

What? No orangutan? They are the most dangerous animal known to man.

I'll guess I'll pick the grizzly bear since it is the most deadly predator in the animal kingdom.

[The Widowed]

Originally Posted by iggy880

I refuse to defend with my choices with more then they are all awesome

I dunno...I'd really hate to have one of those wild boars tearing a hole through my buttocks....

Originally Posted by Fire Wyrm

The wolves, tiger, and muskox would come out on top. The Wolves are able to work as a pack, the muskox is a giant freaking tank when attacked, and the tiger is just awesome. I think they lion would be one of the first to go seeing as the females are the ones that do the hunting.

Ah, but just because the lioness is better at hunting, does that mean the lion is a pushover? Not at all. Remember, the males clash with each other over the privilege of claiming a sizeable number of females come every mating season, and there can only be one adult male per pride. The dominant male drives all the weaker males out of the pride (the ones smart enough to not stick around and get killed, anyway), forcing them into a solitary lifestyle where they must fend for themselves...and many of the outcasts fend for themselves quite well, surviving for years in the wild without a pride. Even alone, a lion is a fearsome and incredibly dangerous predator. And if these solitary hunters and killers are the weaklings who got their butts whooped, what does this say about the lion who did the whooping?

Hmmm...come to think of it, maybe I should have specified whether this lion is a pride leader or an outcast. That could make all the difference.

Originally Posted by Nerfed

What? No orangutan? They are the most dangerous animal known to man.

But not to lions. Or bears. Or oxen....

Originally Posted by Nerfed

I'll guess I'll pick the grizzly bear since it is the most deadly predator in the animal kingdom.

But remember: Every year or so, grizzly bears kill wolves, and grizzly bears are killed by wolves. It's hard to say which of these is the most deadly predator in the animal kingdom overall...but exploring the strengths and weaknesses of each animal is the point of this whole Deathmatch in the first place.

[iggy880]

Well, I'll pick one, the Wolverine. The thing is relatively small so it would be hard to keep track of giving it an advantage

[Sir Serpa]

Couldn't decide between the Bear or the Wolves...

Also...lolTigers

Spoiler!

[The Widowed]

As usual, I'll hold off on my votes till tomorrow (wouldn't want to influence those of you who might think "Oh, the poll's creator is voting for this combatant, so he threw this poll together with that combatant in mind, thus lending him/her/it/them an advantage over all the other combatants....").

But I have to say, from what I've read so far, those little jaguars and wolverines have some serious balls. "Here, jaguar. Here's a feral bull that's three times your size and will kill you in a heartbeat if it gets you on the ground. Go tear its throat out." And it will.

[Nerfed]

Originally Posted by Sir Serpa

Couldn't decide between the Bear or the Wolves...

Also...lolTigers

Spoiler!

No fair picking on retardo-tiger.

[Akamaz]

female lions may do the hunting, but the male lions do the fighting. that mane also has more to it than just making it look bigger. it's a thick coat of heavily matted hair that acts as throat and head armor.

I remember watching a VS. show that was between a south african lion, and a bengal tiger (using physics, behavioral sciences, and CGI simulation) to determine the outcome. the lion fought off the tiger, and also beat out the tiger for jaw strength. the tiger had the advantage if it was from ambush, since that is what they do, whereas lions confront their prey or opponant.

the other choices I took were the Grizzly bear... i mean, come on, it takes shotgun rounds at close range and still kills hunters.

the Wolves take a close third, in part because they have numbers, and also they have cooperation to take down their prey.