Rolly-Polly Deathmatch #13: Chick Fight!

[Nerfed]

The crew of the Serenity find themselves fleeing from the Alliance once more, they are sucked into the gravitational pull of a cosmic singularity that barely registers on their sensors. Instead of being crushed, the ship winds up in another time... perhaps an alternate timeline or parallel universe or even just temporally dislocated within their own universe. Realizing the wormhole was one-way, they set out to explore the new territory. With their own past experiences with the Alliance, the crew quickly finds themselves on the wrong side of the law with the United Federation. Deciding that, no matter how bad their own time and space is, its still home, the crew sets about learning what they can about this place and how they can get back. Stories about a great "evil" and a weapon whose power blasted through space to destroy it put the notion in their captain's head that with the power source behind that weapon, they might be able to achieve any goal... even forcing open the one-way passage that brought them here and reversing its direction. With time and dilligent research, they learn about the weapon and its five elements... the fifth one being a clone created by the government, a walking talking piece of the weapon's power. They find the girl and decide to kidnap her. Regardless of her origins, she's not "real," she's just something that was made... still, they don't intend to harm her either. They just need her and more knowledge about the weapon.

At the home of Corbin and Leeloo Dallas, a markedly improvement over his previous digs... Corbin heads to the door when he hears the doorbell. He opens a small hatch at face level to see a couple of determined, even unfriendly faces. Their leader asks, "Mr. Dallas? We need to talk." "Go ahead, talk," he says. "We're looking for someone you know, Mr. Dallas... red haired girl, powers a big space gun... sound familiar?" Corbin glares back, "Talk's over guys." He closes the hatch and presses a button on his home security panel... life's been good to Corbin Dallas since he helped save the universe. A moment later, Jayne kicks in the door and walks in. Mal walks in after him with gun drawn. "Please, Mr. Dallas, we don't mean no harm, we just need the girl's help to get back to our own 'verse." Corbin lunges for Mal, trying to take his gun away from him. The two struggle briefly until Jayne clubs Corbin from behind, knocking him unconscious. Leeloo enters the room to see Corbin on the floor with a pair of men ready to jump at her. Mal tries to calm her down, "Now look, we're tryin' to do this peaceful but he..." before he could finish his sentence, Leeloo somersaulted across the room and kicked him in the face. She grabbed Jayne's arm and twisted, bringing him to his knees with a pained cry from him, "Not again!" She dispatched the the two men in a quick, fluid motion so she could check on her man. Before she could see to Corbin's condition, however, someone else standing just outside the door stepped in. Three men on the floor... one girl ready to defend her man and home from invaders with fierce, unchecked passion and borderline superhuman physical prowess... the other girl sees two friends close as family disabled with remarkable ease, her combat programming recognizing a skilled and very probable lethal opponent.

Combatant #1

River Tam
(Serenity)

Radical brain experiments left her programmed to be a living weapon... conditioned for combat. To protect her brother (and friends), she single-handedly fought an onslaught of hyper-aggressive Reavers --wild men who will rape you to death, eat your flesh, and sew your skin to their clothing... and, if you're very lucky, it will be in that order. When the battle was over, only she was standing amongst their countless corpses.

Combatant #2

Leeloo
(The 5th Element)

The "fifth element" needed to empower an ancient weapon that would fire holy light at the coming of the great evil that threatened all existance. Using skills she learned from watching Martial Arts on a view screen (along with a wealth of other information which she absorbed so quickly), she took on a room full of Mangalores --a warlike race of mercenaries who are bigger and stronger than most humans and possessed of a terrible attitude toward humanity since the Mangalore culture was devastated by the United Federation. Man-handling the mangalores with relative ease, Leeloo was only driven off and wounded when they resorted to firearms.

No guns and no other weapons beyond an improvised club or thrown object picked up from around the room. Each is fighting to protect loved ones from an unknowable danger. Fight!

[Nerfed]

Something to remember... neither the reavers nor the mangalores fight like either Leeloo or River, so both girls will have to fight each other differently than they did against multiple opponents.

River no longer seems controlled by her programming, having gotten past her mental issues... whereas Leeloo may be at a disadvantage in not having done anything to increase her prowess after the universe was saved. It was time to kick back and learn about love and all that stuff.

[The Widowed]

...or, to help this Deathmatch along:

Exhibit A: Riverjutsu

Exhibit B: Lee Loo Fu

That should help you goons with your research, eh?

[WingedAvenger]

As much as I love my Milla, I have to go with River on this one. She just seems to be able to flow with it better, whereas Leeloo's martial arts skill is somewhat more blocky. I'm also deducting points because Ultraviolet was one of the worst movies ever made.

BTW FYI, her name is Leeloo Multipass. And Korbin's name is spelled with a K.

[The Widowed]

Okay, it's time for me to weigh the evidence as I see it.

The Power of One
River vs. the Reavers: One armed combatant vs. a mob of armed enemies.
River during the "Fruity Oaty Bars" incident: One unarmed combatant vs. a mob of unarmed, unsuspecting barflies.
Leeloo vs. the Mangalores: One unarmed combatant vs. a mob of enemies, some of them armed.

Edge: Leeloo


The Arms Race
Reavers: Didn't have guns.
Mangalores: Had guns.

Edge: Leeloo


Raw Aggression
Reavers: Were constantly swarming River.
Mangalores: Sometimes just stood there.

Edge: River


Source of Fightin' Mojo
River: Being the unwilling victim of a neurological experiment.
Leeloo: Being the Supreme Being with a godlike learning capacity.

Edge: Leeloo


So, in my book, Leeloo bests River by a margin of three to one here.

Looking at it from my very nerdlike perspective, River is the Fighter class from D&D, while Leeloo's the Monk...and the fighter can keep pace with the monk right up until the two of them run into a rust monster. As Leeloo has proven, she doesn't need weapons to kick ass...or to deprive her enemies of their weapons. So once Leeloo destroys or takes away River's axe and her sword, how greatly will River's fighting prowess be diminished?


And just to appease you shallow voters (even though such trivia really doesn't factor into a fight):


Sexuality
River: Never gets naked.
Leeloo: Looks great naked.

Edge: Leeloo


Snappy One-Liners
River: "Miranda..."
Leeloo: "Leeloo Dallas Multipass!"

Edge: Leeloo


So there.

[iggy880]

I vote River, Leeloo has technically been recently born and all skills are just inherent no real practice. River has honed her combat skills a bit more, but still has the free form creativity, plus she is still psychic, right?

[Nerfed]

Originally Posted by iggy880

I vote River, Leeloo has technically been recently born and all skills are just inherent no real practice. River has honed her combat skills a bit more, but still has the free form creativity, plus she is still psychic, right?

Inherent? No. She gained her skills from merely watching martial artists on a view screen. Put her against River and its possible she might learn and adapt whatever skill River displays.

Also, good call on the who doesn't get naked and who looks great naked, Wids. That may sway my vote.

[iggy880]

Originally Posted by Nerfed

Inherent? No. She gained her skills from merely watching martial artists on a view screen. Put her against River and its possible she might learn and adapt whatever skill River displays.

Also, good call on the who doesn't get naked and who looks great naked, Wids. That may sway my vote.

Forgot the watching thing but I will say River's psychic abilities still give an edge, to counteract the learning or something, and to be honest, on the getting nekkid I'd rather River to have in the end, even if she did not

[Nerfed]

Originally Posted by WingedAvenger

As much as I love my Milla, I have to go with River on this one. She just seems to be able to flow with it better, whereas Leeloo's martial arts skill is somewhat more blocky. I'm also deducting points because Ultraviolet was one of the worst movies ever made.

Ultraviolet has no place in this discussion. back at you.

Originally Posted by WingedAvenger

BTW FYI, her name is Leeloo Multipass. And Korbin's name is spelled with a K.

Okay, so I messed up Korbin's name... maybe he changed it (slightly) after saving the universe in order to hide and get some time alone with Leeloo for awhile. As for Leeloo's last name, I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt in eventually being able to learn what a multipass is and not keep calling herself that.

Originally Posted by The Widowed

Okay, it's time for me to weigh the evidence as I see it.

The Arms Race
Reavers: Didn't have guns.
Mangalores: Had guns.

Edge: Leeloo

Let's also keep in mind that the Reavers were armed with blades and other melee weapons, in addition to their most dangerous weapon: swarming with reckless abandon.

Originally Posted by The Widowed

Raw Aggression
Reavers: Were constantly swarming River.
Mangalores: Sometimes just stood there.

Edge: River

Sure, they were standing still... because they had no idea how to attack Leeloo. River danced and flowed through battle because it was necessary and showed remarkable awareness of her foes at all times. Leeloo, despite her foes not swarming with reckless abandon, also knew where her opponents were at all times, even attacking one behind her without once having looked to see where it was.

Originally Posted by The Widowed

Looking at it from my very nerdlike perspective, River is the Fighter class from D&D, while Leeloo's the Monk...and the fighter can keep pace with the monk right up until the two of them run into a rust monster. As Leeloo has proven, she doesn't need weapons to kick ass...or to deprive her enemies of their weapons. So once Leeloo destroys or takes away River's axe and her sword, how greatly will River's fighting prowess be diminished?

No weapons. Of course, as you say, even if weapons are picked up during the course of the fight, how long either of them holds on to those weapons is a factor.

Originally Posted by The Widowed

Snappy One-Liners
River: "Miranda..."
Leeloo: "Leeloo Dallas Multipass!"

Edge: Leeloo

Don't forget...

River: My turn.
Leeloo: Biiiig badda-boom.

[The Widowed]

Originally Posted by WingedAvenger

BTW FYI, her name is Leeloo Multipass. And Korbin's name is spelled with a K.

No, it's more like Leeloo Minai Lekarariba-Laminai-Tchai Ekbat De Sebat. But Leeloo Dallas is accurate enough; that's the name that Korbin gave her when he tried to pass her off as his wife, remember?

Read some quotes.

Originally Posted by Nerfed

Sure, they were standing still... because they had no idea how to attack Leeloo.

One of them was carrying a rather important box with a rather important Stone inside (or what he thought was one of the four Stones, at least). He wasn't about to jeopardize the mangalores' control of that box no matter what. So there's his excuse.

Of course, if Leeloo's fighting is more "blocklike" (or however Wings put it) than River's fighting is, it's because River's basically swinging with berserker fury while Leeloo's carefully calculating and placing her shots...maximum effect for minimum effort. And conserving your stamina is important when fighting a long battle. Leeloo should be able to outlast River simply by evading, blocking or turning River's attacks with precise movements. And once River's exhausted from her own flurries of blows, it's lights out for River.

Originally Posted by Nerfed

River danced and flowed through battle because it was necessary and showed remarkable awareness of her foes at all times. Leeloo, despite her foes not swarming with reckless abandon, also knew where her opponents were at all times, even attacking one behind her without once having looked to see where it was.

True. Battlefield awareness can make or break a battle. River, do not try sneaking up on Leeloo. You will fail.

Originally Posted by Nerfed

Don't forget...

River: My turn.
Leeloo: Biiiig badda-boom.

Leeloo still wins.

And on that superfluous note:

River: Fought without musical accompaniment.
Leeloo: Fought with a kickin' rad techno-operatic tune, courtesy of the Diva.

Edge: Leeloo