Um, I need help....

[Yin]

I have an issue on my hands.


Anyone ever have a friend in an unhealthy relationship, and you've told them about it and be careful with their significant other? And not just any kind of friend. I'm talking a really good, true best friend type. Well, have you ever found out that his/her significant other has been cheating/playing the person since the beginning, but their too naive to realize it?

Kind of in that pickle.

I don't even know where to begin with the theatrics of this mess, but just to be fair, this'll be quite lengthy.

One of my best friends (also my LB (line brother) ) and I met his freshman year and my sophomore year, and lived in the same dormitory and on the same floor. We really didn't start talking to each other until October-ish, but his girlfriend and I sporadically would carry on conversation, and that's how I got to know him. Well up until about the middle of that Spring semester they started having these issues. She was talking to some guy on Facebook (similar to Myspace), and he so happened to find out. That was an 8 hour fiasco within' itself; and then 3 months down the road he had caught her texting the same guy. That was another mess for about 4-5 hours in which they dragged half the floor into. In between those two major problems other arguments surfaced which led to a 13 hour breakup-back together act. The problems became persistent, and then they took a break for a week or two in the summer.

Well during the summer, he was telling me how he was happy with her but he wasn't. This is the kind of relationship in which the female is wearing the pants (mind you, this girl is a brute, and my friend, who stands at 6'7, is handsome enough (no ****) to pull Tyra Banks), so she has this manipulative/controlling touch on him. The whole relationship is just psychological, but back to the story. Just about the entire summer he made it seem like he just didn't want to be with her anymore. She was getting in the way of a lot of things he wanted to do (she had told him to leave all of the organizations he joined on campus because they would get in the way of them spending time together).

Well to make that shorter, they didn't. When we got on line to go through our pledge process the heat got turned up. Mind you, the girl is insane. She took it far enough to take it upon herself to say to one of my friends (who also pledged that same semester), "I think Ed and Reg are doing stuff behind my back because they spend too much time together." Yes. She spit that bull I call shyt out of her mouth. Mind you, again, this man came to this campus with one friend: her. He had no male friends, and I was the first to befriend him. So once we became good friends it vamped up his college experience some more because now he had someone other then her to chill with that was another guy. So here we are, going through the pledge process, and during our process, their relationship is just going down hill. She is the type of person that will pull the entire group of friends into all of her mess and ask for help and advice, but when it isn't something she wants to hear, you're in the wrong for getting into their business. This problem remained persistent after we became Sigmas to a point in which they broke up for about 2 weeks. Well, more like a break, because he asked her to wait for him.

***SO HERE'S THE KICKER***

During that time, this slut started talking to other guys. You would think you would need time to recuperate after getting out of a 2 year relationship. Nope. While we were away for a regional conference, she was ridin' some other guy (more than once), and was almost determined to give it up to a couple more guys. My other best friend had called me and told me that she had told her that she was "about to be a whore, and give it up to (insert name here)". Meanwhile, he's texting and calling her to make sure she's not doing anything with anyone, and she's lying directly to his face.

So the night we returned back to campus was the same night the manbeast decided to get annihilated, and she wanted him to come over to take care of her. I went over there with him because I didn't want her to pull that bullshyt she likes to pull, and twist his head up again. Well, low and behold, while we were calming her down, he was in her room watching TV (he had no desire to care for her at all - he was pissed off the entire time which made her furious). So we got her calmed down, and then she went back in her room with him to "talk." Well out of decency and trying to be caring, all of us crashed on her apartment floor that night to make sure nothing else went down. Well come to find out (and this is how triflin' she is), she was in there bangin' his back out with all 6-8 of us sleeping on her apartment floor. No music, no TV, not even trying to be quiet. And then the next day they're back together (that's another thing - everytime they've gotten back together they've had sex).

So I'm just about fet up with her causing all of these issues and drama within the group because she can't control her life and get herself together, so I call quits. Her name was deleted out of my phone January 1st, 2007 at 12:02 AM. I took her off all of my friends lists on Myspace and Facebook, and wanted nothing to do with her anymore. She's classified as one of those "toxic" friends who just spread problems and drama all throughout, so I had to pull the plug.

When we returned from Christmas break, her roomate (and my other friend) wasn't returning, and she doesn't like staying in her apartment by herself (yet she claims to be a grown woman). So she literally demands my friend (her boyfriend still) to stay with her (who was living with me - we had an apartment together with another guy). So the entire Spring semester he had not stayed one night in the apartment. Paid $2500 just to leave his things there for storage. And during this semester, she had managed to divide the group of friends. And even worse, she had managed (for a short period of time) to ruin (we'll call him Ron) Ron and I's friendship. I had told him -BEFORE- the semester jumped off that now because I was no longer her friend she was going to try to come in between and ruin the whole thing. She is as jealous as jealous can be, and anything that stands in the way between her and Ron (we'll call her Manbeast) needs to be eliminated. She single-handedly managed to turn us against each other for at least 2 months. It got to a point in which I found myself literally bolting down the hallway of our apartment complex chasing him out the door to whoop his ass over something stupid she managed to pull.

To make a very long story short, she has Ron mentally twisted up that its sick. And yes I understand that every couple has arguments, but this man has thrown a chair through a wall, and in addition to that, has managed to put 2 more holes in her apartment. On his birthday, the skank gave him all of this Hell over something said on FACEBOOK which led to him storming out of her apartment and her chasing behind him screaming and cursing all of this nonsense. This is Ike and Tina only Tina is being Ike. And she is CONSISTENT as everything with the whole trust issue. They have serious trust issues, and do you know why? Because the brood has been cheating/playing him ever since they started dating in high school.

Her "best friends" (she goes through best friends in 3-4 month periods), who she signed an apartment lease with, but then went ahead and signed another lease because she just wanted to live with Ron, so left her "future bridesmaids" with her share of the lease and literally told them that she wasn't paying her half and they better find someone or they'll just be evicted, dropped a ton of information that Manbeast has told them.

Come to find out, as much as she claims to love Ron and all of this other nonsense, at the beginning of their relationship, she slept with a couple of people (they didnt have sex until they came to school - that was 9 months), and then there were a couple people on this campus she's been with. And apparently, last semester when she was LIVING with Ron (this is how naive he is, and I've told him), she was seeing some guy in one of her classes on certain days, and told her ex-best friend that if she could, she would cheat on Ron with him. Remember the bit I explained about her messaging/texting that one guy on Facebook? Well she was talking to him all last semester as well, and the house parties he didn't go to she was literally making extreme physical contact. I remember my other female friend told me that she was dancing with the same guy, and Manbeast had said, "Don't dance with him. He's interested in me, not you,". And while Ron was sleep, in her bed, she would carry on conversations at 4 AM with other guys so he wouldn't find out.

So come to find out, all of the things I told him (I excluded a loooooot of information so this wouldn't be 90 paragraphs long) about just making sure he watches himself and doesn't get too far into things, she has been doing. So A.) I've been right about her all along. And the worse part about this is that he JUST proposed to this Uncle Fester looking monster 2 months ago. And 5 months ago when I had asked him if he could do any better, he had replied to me, "I know that I can do better," and he had even sat there and told me that he wouldn't propose to this moo-cow in 10 years. Speculation has it that she forced him too (there were a couple times she'd pull me into a conversation involving that topic to try and make me convince him to propose to her).

Problem is, I don't know how to tell him, and if I do tell him, I don't think he'll believe me. He needs to know ASAP. I had also asked him that if he ever found out that she was cheating on him, or has cheated on him, would he leave her. He said yes, but at this point I doubt it. This is a mental thing. This is in no way, shape, or form a love-based relationship. Not when you have sex 4-5 times a day, and everytime you break up you have sex, and within the next hour you're back together. And not when you're putting holes in the walls, and the trust issue is so bad that you each know the passwords to each others accounts (Myspace, Facebook, emails, cellphones, etc). And NOT when you don't let the other go somewhere. They literally ASK each other if they can go somewhere. My one friend had told me that he had called him (lives above her apartment), and could hear the phone ring, and at the same time could hear her saying, "So you're going to pick that up? You're suppose to be talking to me, so why would you answer it?" And then it clicked off.

And we've grown to be close enough that I can pretty much read what's going on in his life. I'll ask him if everything is okay, and of course he'll say yes, but a blind man could look past that fake smile. What he does is hold in all of his emotions, so when he does pop, you get the chair throwing and him locking her out of her own apartment, trashing his room, etc. He has that crazy kind of anger. The ones in which will eventually result in him hitting her (especially when I tell him about all of this nonsense).

I don't know whether to wait or drop it all at once. I want some of my friends to take pictures of her at parties so I can have some kind of visual evidence, but I don't know if waiting that long can hinder it anymore. Its a bad situation and no body knows what to do.

And my fingers hurt.

[Randomus]

If he's not willing to see he's in a poisoned relationship, there's nothing you can do. He has to want help, and he has to want change. If he's too scared of being single to dump her ass, you cannot force him to. You're a man, you know what we're like: the more you try to convince us a girl's bad news, the more we dig in our heels.

I'm sorry that you're stuck in the middle of this, and I know how much it sucks because I've been in your shoes before, but there's not much you can do. Tell him straight up that she's hurting your relationship with him and you think he's making a bad choice. Other than that, you're either in for the ride or you take a break from Ron.

[Yin]

Thanks Rando.

I figured if I tell him he'd only think I was lying or something, and then she'd create all of this hoopla and create more mess between the two of us. It's just one big pot of bullshyt. And I've been figured out I cannot change his mind. Really, it's his fault. There have been more than enough signs to tell him that he needs to get out of it, but he's chosen to ignore them.

[The Mystic]

I agree that it's his fault, but I think he deserves to know everything you know. I would tell him everything you know, especially about what her friends said so he knows this isn't just you saying these things. Once you tell him, it's up to him to believe you and react to it. But I would definitely tell him everything I know.

[Yin]

Well, the other kicker is that he signed a lease with her for this summer. We're roomates again for the Fall, but because she's the controlling cow that she is, she's convinced him to stay with her all next year. So he's payin $2700 per semester to stay somewhere else. So if I tell him now I can see him pullin' a, "Well I don't have anywhere to stay if I do leave, so I might as well just suck it up and keep goin' about my business," kind of attitude. He'll do that. And I told him if things ever got ugly over there he's more than welcome to come here. The room Im in was made to fit two people in here. There's 2 beds, 2 dressers, etc. So it isn't like he doesn't have a place to stay, but at the same time, I feel like he's too far gone to even take me the least bit serious....

[The Mystic]

Still, I would tell him everything. Then his reaction is up to him. It's best to be honest with him.

[Yin]

Okay.

I just had a good talk with my other best friend (LOL! I know. I got like, 8! But this one is top dollar), and he reminded me of what happened with his relationship. His best friend (at the time), saw his girlfriend downtown holding hands with another guy, and let him know about. That right there started the whole speculation process, which lead to him finding out that she was cheating on him. I've told Ron about her before (she was going around saying how she'd give it up to this guy, and that guy, etc.), so I don't know what telling him all of this will do. Hopefully he's been speculating since then.

We're talkin' tonight. I'm nervous, but I think it'll be alright. I'm 130 lbs bigger than he is, so if he tries that stupid crap I can put him in his place easily. My biggest concern is if he storms out of here, goes back, and starts goin' crazy on her. As much as I'd love to see him go upside her head once or twice, I can't let that man go to jail over her. I don't know. Whatever happens, happens I guess.

[The Widowed]

*waits for Grae to chime in with some wise-ass "wall of text" comment*

It sounds like you've already found the answer to your question though. As much as you want to help, it sounds to me like they really can't be helped; They would rather deal with it on their own, judging by her trying to hide her unhappiness from you, him wanting to do his own thing and all that. I hate to sound like a half-empty kind of person, but I'd say their relationship is pretty well doomed at this point, even if he never hears one word about her infidelity. All you can really do at this point is either act as the go-between and run damage control as you coax them apart so the relationship simply fizzles rather than explodes (problematic with them sharing a lease, I know) or, if the relationship must explode, just make sure you're not involved enough to get caught in the blast radius...again, given your friendship with the guy, problematic.

[Yin]

I just got done tellin' him.

He told me to meet him at the Albion jail in an hour. -_-; But he was kidding. Thing is though, he has that dormant, crazy kind of anger. The kind when a person is extremely pissed off, and you can feel it radiating, but will give you that crazy-smile-look sort of thing.

He received it well, and told me he appreciated it. He said he was going to look into it some more and what not else. So we'll see. I'll keep you all updated. Thanks!