Chester Jenkins and The Meaning of Life

[AfterglowNoMore]

Primary Industries, The Lab of Chester Jenkins

"Ok, this is my lab… Jack. Jack! Don't touch that! If you press the eyes too hard you might activate it. Yeesh, how the hell are we related?"

"I don't know, I got the looks, and you got the brains."

"Yeah… wait, did you just call me ugly?"

"Well scratch that theory. Why am I here again?"

"Because this is my lab."

"No, I mean why am I here in the larger sense?"

"I'm a scientist, Jack. I'm not exactly equipped to handle existential dilemmas."

"Chester, stop acting like an idiot, it didn't work for you in high school, and it doesn't work now."

"Hey, I happen to be the comic relief of this team. Hence the name Humor. And if I do recall correctly I had many a dates in high school thanks to my wit and charm."

"No, you had many a date in high school because they were trying to use you as a way to shag me."

"Don't say shag, you sound like an Austin Powers wannabe, besides, you're not even f***ing British. And to answer your question, you are here because Mom thinks that you lack direction. You're twenty two now and you work at a gas station and live in your girlfriend's parent's basement."

"Hey, I run the gas station, and it's not their basement… it's above their garage."

"No you don't mom filled me in on you getting busted down for 'shagging' on the job. You're a freeloader leeching off parents that aren't even your own."

"I pay them rent!"

"Listen to yourself for just one second. Mom's a lawyer and Dad was a cop, they did something with their lives."

"Go ahead and say it."

"Say what?"

"You know, 'And I'm a member of the famous Codex Prime, I hang out with a famous writer, and my boss's secretary wants me more than a ten year old wants out of Neverland Ranch. I'm living the life most only dream of, and blahdy blahdy blahdy blah!' Seriously Ches, I'm sick of it all. Let's just get it over with, ok?"

"Hey, you've known Cap almost as long as I have, you just shouldn't have slept with his ex-wife. But fine, we have a few more stops to make, first we'll go visit Phoenix."

"Stormhawk? Like from the comics? He's real? Dude, I knew you were good for something."

"You mean other than a bed to sleep on, a roof over your head, and food to eat?"

"Grow up man, seriously. C'mon let's go."

"Who's leading here?"

"Phoenix if I remember right. You only got on the team because you found out about your boss's toupee."

"Shhhh, don't spread that around, yeesh."

"Wait… which of my girlfriends did you sleep with?"


Upstairs

"Phoenix, I'd like you to meet my little brother, Jack Brian Jenkins."

"You mean that after having you, your parents still had another? Gluttons for punishment those two?"

"They just wanted to get it right the second time I guess."

"Shut up pump jockey. Jack's going to be working in the mail room here."

"I thought that the mail room was downstairs?"

"Jack, don't talk."

"But…"

"Just don't, trust me."

"So was there something that you wanted Chester? Or were just wanting to witness this little foray into the intricacies of the male sibling relationship?"

"Huh?"

"Seriously Jack, don't. Yeah, I just wanted to introduce my brother around so that he knows someone here besides me, plus help him get his bearings in the building. Besides, he's a big fan of yours."

"Yeah, did you really wrestle the Mummy King into submission with your bare hands?"

"What?"

"And what was it like having to flee your marriage ceremony to the queen of the Sasquatch People of Canada?"

"Wha?"

"And the time you confused Brain Man into a catatonic state?"

"Wh?"

"Not to mention the time you escaped the from your prison cell with a toothpick and a rat trap, so that you could prove that you had been framed by an anonymous villain?"

"Stop! What are you talking about? I never did any of those things, and I think that the last one was an episode of MacGuyver."

"But in the comics…"

"Not those again. The comics were a little spiced up to sell, I sold my likeness and they toyed with some of my adventures. It was for the most part make believe."

"Oh, ok, man, that really puts a damper on things."

"Sorry to burst your bubble, kid."

"Hey Jack, you wanna wait for me outside for a minute?"

"Sure, I'll just be out there with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and the rest of the things from my childhood that turned out to be lies."

"Thanks."

"Phoenix, what are you talking about? You showed me the ceremonial head dress from the wedding ceremony."

"I know, it's just that I'm in the middle of perfecting the new metabolic enhancer that Stround has me working on."

"Wait, you're working on diet drugs?"

"Stround's orders, another part of my contract that appeared out of nowhere."

"But still, crushing a young man's dreams like that was a bit harsh."

"I know, but I'd never have gotten anything done if he'd've kept going on like that. Here give him this."

"What's that?"

"The Mummy King's necklace, I think he'll get a kick out of it."

"And people say I'm weird."

"You are."


Six Floors Up

"Ok, don't mess this up. You have no idea what I had to do to get you this job."

"Was it that add with you in the bikini briefs and your mask for Codex Cola?"

"No."

"So you did that of your own free will? Man, and you wonder why so many people think you're gay."

"Shut it Jack or I tell Dad about you and his partner's daughter."

"Low man, just low."

"Hi Chester, Jacob's waiting for you in his office."

"Thanks Jennifer, don't forget dinner tonight. Remember, we're supposed to be doubling with B.T. and whoever his lady of the week is. For a man-tiger, he sure does get around."

"I know, see you at seven, and this time, leave the mask at home."

"Dude, you wear your mask on dates? That must be one forgiving woman. She got a sister?"

"Keep it in your pants, Jack. And keep your mouth shut till Stround asks you a question, got it?"

"You are such a prick."

"Hold that thought till after the meeting, and see if you think so."

Inside

"Thanks for having us Mr. Stround. I'd like to introduce you to my brother, Jack."

"Why?"

"What?"

"I said, 'Why?'."

"Huh?"

"You said, 'I'd like to introduce you to my brother, Jack.' And I said, 'Why?'."

"I know that, I meant, what did you mean by why?"

"Well, it's a inquisitive word pertaining to reasoning."

"Stround, don't push it."

"Fine, what I meant was why am I meeting with a mail room clerk? Let alone you?"

"Well, I wanted him to try to get why I want him to make something out of himself, but instead, I just had you give him a crash course in Prickonomics. Thanks, and a Merry F*** You to you too. C'mon Jack, we're leaving."

"Thank you come again."

"Dude, what a rectum sucker. I take back half the bad things that I ever said about you."

"Half?"

"Well, you are still an anal douche."

"C'mon, I need to stop by the hardware store."

"What for?"

"I need to buy a lock for the fridge."

"See what I mean?"

Back at Casa Chester

"Dude, I can't believe that you actually bought that."

"Well I wasn't going to, but you pushed it in the car when you called me a Michael Bolton wannabe. Ok, I'm going to dinner now, just try not to destroy the place."

"When have I ever wrecked a house?"

"When you were seventeen, and Mom and Dad left you at home by yourself. You set the living room on fire while trying to eat fire like in the circus. Not to mention singed your tongue. But I'm sure Mom and Dad enjoyed the silence."

"Blow me, b**** fist."

"S***, do me a favor. I left some files I needed to look over in Phoenix's office. I need you to take my key card and pick them up. If anyone hassles you just give them the code words: Stround sniffs Oprah's undies."

"You're joking, right?"

"About what?"

"The last part."

"Yeah, we have no proof that he's actually done so, it's just a theory."

"I mean about the code words, that's a joke right?"

"Yes it's a joke, jeez, just show them the key card and explain why you are there, if they have any questions, they have my cell number."


At Primary Industries

"Ok, where the hell am I? Knew I should have paid attention to Chester's directions. Ok, Chester's lab is on the second floor. We got on the elevator with two hotties, who got off two floors before us. I stared at them for four floors, so that means that Phoenix's office is on the eighth floor. And I say that Chester got all the brains."

"Hmm, where is that file. God for such a genius, Phoenix is a bit unorganized. Wait, there it is. Careful, don't knock over Phoenix's whatchamacallit with his doohickey juice inside. Slowly, slowly…"

"Hey, what are you doing in here?!"

"Argh!"

[AfterglowNoMore]

The Hospital Room of Jack Jenkins

“Jack, wake up. You stupid son of a bitch, you better not die on me.”

“He’ll make it Chester. The doctors say that his recovery is progressing.”

“I don’t want to hear that right now. I just want to hear what it was that you were actually working on that has my little brother comatose clinging to life.”

“It was a diet formula, Chester, I swear it. It wasn’t done yet.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that in its current state, if a person were to ingest it, it would be like poison. It was the latest in a failed batch of what I told Stround was an impossible formula to make stable. I wasn’t aware that there was any possibility of it soaking into skin and causing adverse affects. There hadn’t been need to test that aspect of the formula as the test that simply involved ingestion proved fatal to the test animals.”

“Wait, Stround new that it was fatal, and impossible to make stable and he kept pushing it to be made?”

“Yes, he thought… Chester, I don’t like that look in your eyes.”

“Call me if there are any changes in Jack’s condition.”

“Chester, don’t do anything stupid or rash.”

“Compared to what I’m about to do, a rash would be a welcome alternative to Stround.”


Primary Industries Building, Office of Jacob Stround

“You son of a…”

“Choose your words carefully Mr. Jenkins.”

“I’m not here for words Stround. I’m here for justice. You are the reason that my only brother is in a hospital room waiting for his time to run out. You are the one that pressured Phoenix to keep making that asinine diet drug. The same drug that he told you numerous times was impossible to stabilize.”

“What’s your point, Jenkins?”

Shove!

“My point, Jacob, is that if my brother dies, you can’t hire enough super heroes to keep me from hurling you from this building.”

“Put me down, or I swear to you that I’ll...”

“You’ll what? You’ll hurt my family? Too late for that? You’ll fire me? Nope, your contract is so air tight that even you can’t get out of it. And we both know that you won’t lay a hand on me. The team likes me better. They’ll testify that anything I do you is all in self defense. So tell me, what will you do?”

Ring! Ring! Hurl!

“If you’ll excuse me, I have a phone call. Hello? Phoenix? What is it? Slow down. What’s wrong with Jack? I’ll be there in five minutes.”

“That’s right, leave you coward!”

“If he doesn’t make it and I were you, I’d save myself the torture and put a bullet to my head the minute I was alone.”


Back at the Hospital

“What happened Phoenix?”

“I’m not sure. A few minutes after you left, Jack’s monitoring equipment started to go haywire, and then he started glowing. His body lifted off of the bed and just hung there. They’ve got him in quarantine till they figure out what’s wrong.”

“Can I see him?”

“They’ve got the area sealed off. I’ve already tried. I’m sorry Chester, there was nothing I could do.”

“So all we can do is wait?”

“I’m afraid so.”

“Damn.”

“So what’d you do to Stround?”

“Just talked to him.”

“Really? It sounded like he was crying.”

“He’d just wet himself. He had every right to cry.”


Many Hours Later

“Mr. Jenkins?”

“Huh what?”

“I’m Dr. Charles with the Center for Disease Control.”

“Is my brother all right?”

“He’s fine… technically.”

“Technically? Are we talking like Reality TV is technically reality? Or Michael Jackson is technically innocent? Or is it more like Ben Affleck can technically act?”

“Mr. Jenkins, I’m sure you hear this a lot, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“What? You mean that you didn’t see Daredevil or Phantoms?”

“No, not that part… never mind. What I said is that technically Jack is alright. Health wise, he’s in perfect condition, there’s no reason for him to still be in a coma.”

“Great, when can I see him?”

“Let me finish. While he’s in perfect condition, there have been a few changes.”

“What kind of changes?”

“It’s best if you see for yourself. You might be a little shocked at first.”

“Can I see him now?”

“Right this way, but don’t say that I didn’t warn you.”


Inside the Room of Jack Jenkins

“Knock Knock… Holy **** you’re white!”

“Wasn’t I always?”

“Jack what are you talking about?”

“Who’s Jack? My name’s Kirby, Kirby Waye.”

[AfterglowNoMore]

"Oh, I must be in the wrong room."

"No Mr. Jenkins, you're in the right room. I warned you to prepare yourself for the changes."

"Oh, so he's white and he's crazy?"

"No, he's not."

"I'm pretty sure he's white."

"I'm pretty sure that it's insulting being talked about like I'm not in the room."

"We'll get to you in a minute. So sit tight, Kirby was it? And we'll get you a nice straight jacket in a minute."

"Will you shut up?!"

"You're not too old that I can't take you over my knee mister."

"Is this normal?"

"From what I've noticed about the Jenkins clan, there is no normal."

"Not helping, Phoenix."

"And trying to have your younger brother commited is?"

"What are you people talking about? My brother lives in Empire City."

"Is that what the voices are telling you?"

"The only voice I'm hearing is telling me that you're an asshole. And for some inexplicable reason, I get the urge to ask if you've come out of the closet yet."

"Real mature Jack. Now stop faking the multiple personalities and get some rest."

"Wait. You're gay? Because my brother..."

"Finish that sentence and you'll be happy you're in a hospital."

"I'll be outside if you need me."

"I'm not faking, and stop calling me Jack. My name is Kirby."

"Ok, 'Kirby', Why don't you tell us how you got here. Was it magic faeries? Or maybe you crash landed from Never Never Land?"

"Last thing I remember was fighting the Forever Men in Empire City."

"Of course you were, 'Kirby'."

"Chester, can I see you outside for a minute?"

"Sure. Now 'Kirby', if you need anything, just click your heels together and say, 'There's no place like home.' And you'll be magically..."

"Chester. Now."


Just Outside the Room

"What's so important that we have to leave my brother to his dementia?"

"I don't think he's your brother anymore."

"Just because he's white now, doesn't mean that I don't love him anymore."

"That's not what I mean. While you were reverting Stround to an infantile state, there was a report of a battle in Empire City between the Regents and the Forever Men."

"So? All that means is that he watched the same crappy shows as you."

"Do us both a favor, don't interrupt."

"Right."

"The report alleged that one of the Regents died. That was about the same time that Jack started, well, changing."

"Ok, so, that means?"

Just shut up for a few minutes and let me talk to your brother."

"Don't you mean Kirby."


Back Inside

"Kirby would you indulge me for a moment?"

"I'm confined to a hospital bed right now, I've got nothing but time."

"Right. Have you ever heard of a hero named Order?"

"Have you ever heard of a hero named Phoenix Stormhawk?

"I'm not sure I understand."

"Well, you asked me if I've ever heard of me, so it only seemed fit for me to ask you if you knew who you were."

"Listen, I know that being in the business we're in, we tend to appreciate secrecy..."

"That's why you two do commercials?"

"I guess I set myself up for that one. But I need to know everything about you."

"But Phoenix, it's only our first date... Why am I talking like this?"

"I have a theory, but I need to know more."

"Well it all started out with a quest to find the holy grail about 40 years ago. I was a treasure hunter at my wits end, having not found anything of real value in over three years. I was hired to find grail by a wealthy business man trying to achieve immortality. After many mishaps and sidetracks, we finally found a room filled with a multitude of different chalices..."

"Wait a God Dang minute here! That sounds an awful lot like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I'm surprised that George Lucas hasn't tried to sue you."

"He can't. It's in our contract. You didn't actually think that he came up with all that himself did you? And I suppose that you think that Star Wars was fake too?"

"Oh. Nevermind."

"Thank you. As I was saying, There was an engraving that said that each was to chose one chalice and drink from the well. Like in the movie, I chose the wooden one due to Jesus being a carpenter, But it didn't heal. Instead, it slipped me into a trance in which I got a vision on God. In it he told me the Meaning of Life and that as long as I kept it's secret, I'd have power over life and death as an agent of order and that I'd live until the time was right for me to pass the wisdom on to another."

"Still sounds a bit odd to me."

"Well excuse me for not being as well spoken as the Almighty!"

"Yeesh, sorry."

"Sorry about snapping at you. It's not really like me to be so short tempered, but I am in a hospital."

"That's where my theory comes in. I think that you and Jack died at the same time, and since your body was disintegrated, you immediately sought out the first empty vessel. But with your powers, when you joined with Jack's body, you brought him back to life. So now, you both inhabit the same body, with you being the more dominant personality. That would explain, why Jack's body lost it's pigment, and the change in temperment, not to mention the voice telling you to call Chester a homosexual asshole."

"Right, because that's more believeable than him simply being crazy."

"We can settle this. If Jack's really still in there, then Kirby should be able to recall some of his memories. And if that's true then all he has to do is tell us something that only Jack would know."

"Fair enough. But if he can't, then he gets committed."

"Fair enough. But wouldn't the person who used to mimic the music video of Madonna's 'Like a Virgin' be more likely to need committing?"

"That's it, commit him! Um, Phoenix, what are you doing?"

"I'm calling your mom to verify."

"Why? Don't you trust me?"

"I've known you for longer than ten minutes, of course I don't."

"Like a Virgin, Hey, touched for the very first time. Like a vir-ir-ir-ir-gin, Let your heart beat, next to mine."

"Shut up already! Fine, he's sane."

"Why do you look so dissapointed?"

"Two reasons. One, I have to explain to mom and dad why Jack's white and answering to the name Kirby. And two, I don't get to throw Stround out of the window."

"Well, Jack did technically die for a minute."

"Baby brother! You are in there."

"Oye."