Going Home: Duty, Honor, Country

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This isn't really a rant persay.... just figuring out life and want some input from my friends. Its hard for me know where to start so I guess I'l just get writting and see what pops out.

I'm in my Early to Mid 20s, with an engineering degree, steady job, strong roof over my head, wonderful community, friends, family, vollenteer groups that I love to be a part of, and now a girlfriend... yet something not right keeps poking at my mind. I'm not talking about that perfect life stuff or being happy all the time but it bugs the hell at out of me. For instance I get to work and instead of being excited to start the day or even feeling man I got to shit done, my head spins, I waist time online, and spend too much of my day thinking.

What I'm wondering is am I at this job for the wrong reasons.
Am I doing the right things with my life... my so called perpose.
Why at work don't I feel happy or motivated or give a shit.
What is this conclusion that I feel I'm now going through a late adolecence.
And damn it, above all, I want to go fking home.

They say home is where the heart is, or at least where you hang your hat. Home for me is a place I can "never return to" or at the very least I feel like an exile. A man with out roots yet a man with out a country. For instance, imagine if you were banned from going back to the house you grew up in. Now futher that too the entire town. Your community, the people who think like you, act like you, and see the world like you. A place were you felt safe, comfortable and familary. A place were people get you and it feels like you get yourself.

I'm a military brat and I want to go home.

It makes me wonder how many others go through what I do. The concept were you grew up is a difficult question. I've been doing a bit of reading, trying to rediscover that sense of community I once had. Wikipedia, tckworld, milbrat.com, and have the Journey Home documentary film on order. I'm starting to think I know myself less and less, even so then when I thought I was in college. What my motivations are, my drives, they way I think and where that all comes from. I'd say the military does a fairly good job with its soldiers then adapting them to civilian life. What it doesn't address is the kids. Of all my experience, of all the places I've been, I don't get what it means to be civilian and I have this annoying itch now that I'm out on my own, I'm barely succeeding.

So I guess that brings me to my job. You know, the one I'm bullshitting now cause I could get aware with it. Parts of me say I could be fired tomorrow and I wouldn't give a shit. Oth parts thinks it me striking out, rebeling against athority. Another oh I'm just bored. Others its not so bad and really I have it better than most. Argh, its driving me nuts. Why can't I just do what I'm told, shut down and get my work done. Keep pushing that paperwork and not worry about concepts of creativity, free will, independent thinking and being bored out of my freeking mind.

I tried to assemble a list of why I'm here at this job: the benefits.
1) Sense of Duty: getting the job done (read mission) while serving king and country in my own way.
2) The Area: I really like owego and the community away from work here. For the first time I'm growing real roots and liking it. I could be happy in this area for the next 5-10 years, a concept that blows my mind.
3) Autonomy: This really is what gets me in to trouble cause without someone screaming down my back, I have to motivate myself to get things done. Still I enjoy the independence and with some effort its ok not being the average joe. Plus we have this wonderful thing called flextime.

Some days I have to hold myself back from doing something emotional and stupid. Yah know, just getting pissed off too really speak my mind and get thrown out. Or just doing something with out thinking it through which would deeply impact my life. I get the real sense I'm in the majority of people at this Lockheed site, unhappy with their work and unhappy with the way things get down. A culture that promotes hard work, long hours, and few rewards or even thank yous for meeting expections. However, if you toe up to the line you'll have real job security for the next 20 years.

I just don't want to be a sheep. Yet if I'm not going to be an engineer, just a corporate puppet, then what is the point in sticking it threw. If I am going to be a sheep, might as well join the military and be back in a culture I really enjoy. You have now idea how many people I really care about would beat the crap out of for even thinking of joining the military too. Then there are the greater cultural influences, like the media, that get me going.

So what does that leave me with? An uninspring job, that fills a sense of duty I have and is the last connection I have to home.

*Sigh*
Yet at the same time I feel the best for me to do is not be rash, be calm, enjoy the fruits that I have and just figure out myself away from any influnces that tell me who I am. In a very real sense being out on my own so to speak is the best thing for me. Its just not easy. Then again, if it was easy it wouldn't be worth doing.

God, I feel like I'm going around in circles....

[Blackbat]

I can sympathize with the job aspect of your post.

I dread getting up going to work every morning. Friday nights and Saturdays are my only truly happy times. Every other day I'm either working or thinking about going back to work the next day. I hate my job with a fiery passion that Satan himself would be hard-pressed to match.

When I graduated high school, I immediately went into a trade school. A year later I graduated with a MCSE (Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer) certification, I got a job with a computer firm and went to work as a Field Tech. I quickly learned that the job wasn't for me.

Without having any real goals in mind, I was sort of stranded on what move to make next. My father owns his own business, he needed a Engineer to be in-house. So I shrugged and went back to school with a Civil Engineering degree in mind. I got through my first 2 years of General Education courses as well as Design & Drafting classes. I learned all the basics of hand drafting, then I took some night courses for AutoCAD.

This whole time I knew this work bored me and wasn't for me, but I had no other idea what to do. Actually, I did know what I wanted to do, but I was just to chicken shit to go for it. Anyway, I began working for my father full-time, I took over all our drafting work, learned a TON through on the job training. Got to be damn good at it. I stopped going for the Civil Engineering degree, I just stopped going to class and started working more.

I became a partner in the company, I was making an absurd amount of money for a 22 year old. I bought my first home at 23, I had clothes, cars, all the material things I could want but I was/am extremely unhappy. I know, I know, most people would just hand me a hanky and tell me to go blow my nose as I'm just a rich boy crying about some bullshit problems. At 25 years old, I've learned that money isn't everything. Hell, it means jack shit if it's all you have.

So, after doing this job for 5 years full time. I am effectively starting over, I have told my father that this is not what I want to do. I am not only changing careers, I am changing states. I am moving out of state to be with the most amazing woman I've ever met, where I will go for what I've truly always wanted to do. Law Enforcement. I'll be a Maryland State Trooper by this time next year if things go right.

Anyway, the moral of this story is, do what is going to make you happy. It's said all the time, but I've learned it's absolutely true. At least for me, I'm the type of person that needs to feel satisfied in whatever job I do, otherwise I'm just miserable. It sounds like you might be the same type of person.

I'm less than 2 months away from leaving this job and this state, and I couldn't be more happy about it. It's truly given me a reason to wake up in the morning, I can't wait to start a new life.

I hope you can do the same someday if that is what you want. I wish you luck.

[Graphite]

Ok, so because I'm a milbrat I figure I need my life to nicely fit in a box and yet if I were placed in a box I would likely go nutz after being in one for 20 years AND a lack of individuality. Self motivation has always been a key problem. That and when ever I talk to people or dig deep, the answer keeps saying the military isn't right for me. Its job, purpose, function does not match my own. What I am missing is that sense of community, purpose, and environment where people also think like me.

Since my post, I've joined the military brat registried, watched Brats: Our Jouney Home twice, spoke with Veterans for Peace, and talked a bit with my friends. I would highly recommend Brats: Our Jouney Home to any one who knows a brat, is thinking of joining the military, curious about the impact of the military, into documentarys, into other cultures or how culture shapes us into adults. With my current state of mind, I could watch it over and over and over again, serously need to step back and not do that.

I've also decided at this point to start looking for another job. I many not take another job but need to start looking for one. Its time for a change and I'm getting a bit stir crazy. Its not so much the grass is greener but rather whats over that next hill kind of feeling. Plus I really really resent the fact that I'm only meeting 10% of my potential. My purpose is to be a cog, my function frankly I consider expendable, and after being patient for near two years its bout time I start thinking selfish. MY INTERESTS is not a dirty word and I just need to keep saying that over and over again.

To do list:
Get others involved.
Figure out being a Civie.

Talk to a friend whos a potential mentor.
Talk to a neighbor, who worked LM 20+ years.
Talk to a friend who jumped ship to BAE.
Talk to my dad and prepare for a swift kick in the butt.
Talk to a friend in HR.

Perform well at my current task for the next month.
At the end of this month, recieve my new task.
By then be able to make a more rational decission.
Figure out how to talk with my boss or manager.
Just walking away should not be considered an option.

Explore the Military Option (again).
Consider Guard. Look into being a LM Mil laison.
Find a way to be satuated by that culture.
Join the military brats.com forums.
Finally get an answer to my long time question.
How many milbrats consider service then actually join?
Basically prove to myself I'm not alone and not going crazy.

Explore local careers.
Explore moving to another site.
Consider something with travel.
Consider something with clearance.
Don't settle yet stay realistic.
Know the work I'm looking for.
See if the work I'm looking for exists and where.

I'm sure over time this list will grow but oie thats a lot.

[Knightward]

Sorry I've been quiet on this one. Honestly haven't been able to come up with advice. So all I can say is do what you feel is right (that list seems like a really good idea) and good luck!

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Guess this has pretty much turned into a blog... but hey if it works.

I talked to my friend in HR and he wants me to come in for a meeting perhaps tomorrow or early next week. He's an evangelical christian who said he's praying for me, which actually means alot to me. I also think he understands where I'm coming from well enough to really help out. By being an entirely different department I think its also safe to mention that I'm looking all around with out risking my current job.

After many long hours my current task is near complete. Twenty four hours of labor in forty eight, which was also part of why I missed the 2xp weekend. At least I can now say the drawings are done. Now all my boss needs to do is puke all over them with red ink and hope those updates don't bog me down to much. One things for certain though and that is I need a change. Large drawing packages are old, dull, mind numblingly dumb. I dare say the work is too anal even for me!

I'm on the military brats forums, but am not expecting to much. The community is basically dead. Really though I think its because no one is talking. So on my first day, I made 25 different posts on 15 different topics in the hopes of sparking some interest. Hopefully I can help get a heart beat into that community.

Lastly, I just talked with my manager and he doesn't have anything specifically in mind for me. So it looks like I'm be helping out another engineer lead and theres no real direction of where I'm going. Before talking to him I realised that not only is this not the military but no one is going to tell me what to to, where to do it, and for how long. That whole free will and self decission making factor. We have tasks not orders if that makes sense to anyone else but me. He's also not a mind reader so I have to tell him what I want. Whoa, what a concept.

After lunch I had a quasiappifiny: If I want to be in a military environment for this program then I need to request an assignment dealing with the customer down in Pax River. Getting onto a naval base even if its only once is enough incentive for me to become interested again in my job. If I do xyz during the time frame of 123 then I'll be able to travel to abc kind of thing. Just that could be enough to spark a real passion for what I'm doing. Travel but not moving would certainly be a real change.

So after my boss told me he didn't really have any plans for me, I talked to him a bit about whats been going through my head. I'm sure it was a jumbled and that he's a little confused but my central message is I want to be more involved with the military and am interested in work at Pax. He couldn't promise me anything or knew of something he could assign me too. What he did say is he would arrange a meeting with my middle manager (his boss) who is setting up a new department at Pax.

Then something unusual happened. When we finished, I said thank you sir. He saluted and said carry on. You would not believe the amount of joy this filled into me. Heck just confrimation that I could work at Pax could be enough for me to burst in to tears. I really starting to think this is the right course of action for me and hope it works out.

So I guess its all up in the air right now but heck its something.

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I haven't had real work for about three weeks. Basically sitting on my hands as the leads don't have anything and its starting to drive me nuts.... Resume has been tweeked and updated, ready to go out when I find people to hand it too.

Still thinking about the conference. About 50 people in attendence. I might just go out of a sense of adventure. Real question is to I really want to spend $600+ to hang out with a group of fortysums. Then I get to thinking that I haven't gone any where out of state for the last what two odd years. And no, traveling to PA from NY does not count. Should just shut up and do it all ready.

Talked with my middle line manager today for about an hour. Surprise, Surprise, he's also a military brat! He wants to start grooming me for a Weights Management position over at Trucks (the new tactical wheeled vehicle for the Army to replace the Hummer). Problem is I don't see me getting more involved with ether design, prototyping or travel onto a military base. That and I have a friend who had a real terrible experience with weights on this program. It would be new people, a healthy change and rather hands on. He recommended I take a look into the Civil Air Patrol. Meh, I'm not a pilot, but its an idea.

Depression is starting to kick in and my friends say its been there for a couple months now. Yah know how suicidal people kill themselves not because they are tired of living but more so ending the pain of day to day? Yeah.... I'm kinda like that. Oh don't worry but I just don't have enthusasum for living any more. No sense of purpose or what I'm suppost to be doing. I think my natural state would be doing nothing unless someone poked me with a stick.

Braking up with the Gfriend doesn't help ether. On the spiritual level I don't think I've communed with God in a long time and its starting to bother me. At least the snow is prudy to day. Well, guess I better get back to shuffling papers. Peace.

[Blackbat]

You might want to consider going to see a psychologist. It seems as if your problems are really weighing you down and you don't know what to do. It can't hurt to go talk to someone.

[Jade]

You might want to consider going to see a psychologist. It seems as if your problems are really weighing you down and you don't know what to do. It can't hurt to go talk to someone.

Very sound advice. Being a millitary brat myself, and someone that's suffered through depression and anxiety, the best bet is to see someone. Nothing anyone says here and none of your friends can help. They can be a temporary band aid, but it's not something thats going to go away on its own. Start with your physician, and that will get the ball rolling.

-Ashley

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Happy Ship Day!

After 30+ hours and a long three day weekend, Chuck has been shipped to Rochester for the FIRST Robotics Competition. Its a shame I wasn't responsible for anything, but at least I put in my two bits and acted some what as a middle manager to help keep things flowing. Weigh in at 95% completition, 119.2 lbs. Now to focus on scouting, as I'll be leading it this year. Can't wait to see the drive train in action since its not just a prototype but a real innovation I haven't any other team do. In terms of functional design.... we're taking a real gamble, the largest yet in my six years which is starting to make me nervous. Can't wait till mid March. *thumbs up*

Right now I'm sitting in an all day training through till tomorrow. Its a bit dull learning about the system. Most of it is intuitive (which is good) but the instructor goes a bit slow for my tastes. Talked with a friend a bit during lunch who has been on the program the last several months. Could be good, and Lord knows I need a change. Weight management though doesn't sound all that great, and may not meet my goals. Basically I have healthy doubts but I don't mind getting my feet wet, especially if its a place I'm needed. Heck, its basically what I've been wanting to do with Chuck during the last six weeks. It could be cool to help Trucks earn the contract for the Army's humvee replacement fleet.

I think I might start a thread asking who on these forums are Brats. Just something I'm curious about and I see we got Dione, T!M and me at the very very least. Hard to believe 5% or 1 out of 20 people statistically are a brat. I've decided to go for the convention in phonex. Just need to pay the credit card bill then buy the tickets. What, worse case its a bunch of boring old farts and I'm out 750 bucks. Pffft, thats tax money and a hell of an adventure.

Note to self:
God is a walking stick, not a crutch.... I can't believe it took me two months to figure that out.