Guy troubles

[Dark AngelHawk]

Ok I am wondering for one if I am the only gamer chick with guy problems.... I bet I am not and I know my bf cares or so he says but I just dunno. It seems like every guy I have been with lately has decided not to spend time with me or go out of his way to spend time with me(this happened with two guys). I am the one who has to drive out to see him and work around their schedule. I have two freakin' jobs! One of my last exs decided he didn't want to drive about 30 mins to see me so I had to make the drive myself almost every night. Trust me, totally not cool with that. Now my current bf claims that his family is always making him work or has school work and can't ever hang out. What is it about me that makes a guy not want to spend time with me? I wanted to strangle him tonight for not wanting to see me. He was talking about that he had finished X-mas shopping for me. I wanted to say "Hey, all I want is just to spend time together cause you're away at school during the rest of the year." This isn't the first time this has happened. During Thanksgiving break the samething happened and I just gave up and made him find me. Well seems that's what is going to happen for X-mas. If he doesn't see me and gets upset, well, thats not going to be my problem. I've even been debating taking one of his gifts back. I was super pissed tonight. I care a lot about him but I am wondering if he feels the sameway anymore. It seems that way when we do spend time together but that's not very often at all.

Here's the other thing that gets me:
About a couple years ago a dear friend of mine(very very close friend) asked me to marry him. I told him that I was flattered but I wasn't ready and I was unsure how I felt. When I finally figured out that I felt the sameway I called him up(which was about a year later, we still talked when we could cause he's out in korea in the army) and told him I had something special to tell him. Well he said he needed to tell me something too. So I let him go first. He said he was getting married to this girl he had been seeing for almost a year. I was sunk. I felt hurt but it wasn't the first time I screwed up and never said anything, but that's another story. I told him I was happy for him but I really wish I had told him sooner how I felt. I did eventually tell him but I respect him too much to make him break apart with his wife. As much as I always hope they break up I would never cause it. Is that wrong? I was stupid not to see it from the start. I see it now though, in all the letters he wrote me. I think after this bf I'm gonna be single again for a long time. I really don't see me ever getting married seriously.

I don't know what else to say. So girls have problems too guys. Sometimes I wish I had never dated anyone ever before. To me it doesn't seem worth it at times.

Edit: Also I had asked my current bf to spend as much time as he could with me cause it's hard for me this time of the year. I have no family to be around and no real home. So I sit here alone and try to forget the entire X-mas thing. At least I have my best friend around(which is hard sometimes cause she's with her bf all the time). Well at least I can look forward to drinking at her party on the 24th after work. It's gonna be her, her sisters, one of their husbands, our friend dave, their mom and myself.

[Poison]

That emotional rollercoaster of love, how I hate it.
Don't worry, DAH. It's normal and you're not alone.

For your bfs' behavior I have 2 possible explanations: one would be that you are too entangling and they gasp to get some air. That can happen.
The other is that they're just not into it as much as you. Which, in my oppinion and experience and just generally speaking, sounds more like the truth to me. Love gives us pink goggles to see the world through, but sometimes we sadly still need to look over their edge and judge things more objectively, as hard and disappointing as it might be.

Love is the ultimate and most intimate emotion, so choose wisely who to share it with. And when you finally find someone and they turn out not to be as perfect as you had hoped for, remind yourself how hard it was to even meet that someone before doing something you will regret.

In a nutshell, we all need to learn when to listen to our heart and when to our head.

[Dark AngelHawk]

Well see the thing I'm trying to figure out is why he doesn't want to spend sometime together when he's home cause otherwise I see him like once a month. I don't think that's too entangling, or maybe I'm crazy. Personally I just don't know, like I said. It's just so much easier to be single. I just want him to be honest. If he doesn't want to be together I wish he'd let me know. It'll save me more trouble in the long run.

[ThunderMace]

I don't have any advice, DAK but here is a vitrual hug
*hug*
It does get easier as you get older, I do know that.

[Blackbat]

As far as the boyfriend goes, I think Poison is right.

You have stronger feelings for him than he does for you. It doesn't bother him to not spend time with you, but it bothers you. Therefore he knows that you'll do all the work and make all the trips to come see him. Seems like he feels he has all the control in the relationship.
As for the one that got away, eh, it happens. I'm sure all those years, months he was secretly in love with you were very hard on him. When he finally worked up the courage to ask you he got rejected. He had to move on, but maybe you and him might still have something later if his current relationship doesn't work out. You never know, anything can happen.

Sometimes dating/relationships can seem like a huge waste of time, but when you find that right person, it's absolutely amazing. Nothing even comes close, so stick it out and you'll find that right guy. :)

[Masked Revenger]

I think Poison might be right, in that this guy just might no be as into it as you are. This is not to say that he doesn't care about you (or even that he cares for you less than you do for him), but he just isn't as invested into putting work into the relationship as you are.

But, here's something I wanted to add. I think part of your stress here is entierly your point of view. You START from the assumption that he doesn't want to spend time with you. That might be completly untrue, but as long as you keep assuming that, no matter how many times he says he does, you'll assume he's lying and keep telling him you just want him to be "honest."

I've been the guy in the above situation, and I can tell you, it sucks to keep being as honest as you can be, and not have the girl believe you.

My suggestion is this. Tell him that it feels to you that he is avoiding you, or that he doesn't want to spend time with you, and ask him if this is true. Don't accuse him of not wanting to spend time, just say that from your point of view, that's what it looks like. If he says that it isn't true, then ask what the two of you together can do to make sure that you CAN spend more time together.

In the end, though, if you're unhappy in a relationship, and you think it's just not working out, leave. Don't wait for him to make a move one way or another, because you might be waiting for a long time, prolonging the stress and pain you are going through now.

Just my $0.02.

Chris

[Silverlion]

For what its worth as a male whose been cheated on, lied to and hurt seriously time and time again*. I'm sorry for all that pain you've experienced. I know its hard, and I empathize a great deal.

I probably won't ever date again. The damage done by past relationships have left me with more issues than I care to recount.

*Been engaged three times and they all ran off to sleep with someone else :(

[Knightward]

I gotta go with MR on this one. Talk with him about it, but make it clear that this is how it looks to you, not that it's necessarily how it actually is. I would say it sounds like he's being avoidant, but at the same time I've gone through extended periods of time where I've been completely burnt out and barely even spoke to the girls I dated (not for lack of interest, but lack of energy, emotionally or otherwise). The rare times where I was being avoidant, they were also short-lived. I think the longest relationship I had where I was avoidant was about two months.

I can totally empathize with not wanting to date anymore. Hell, I want nothing more than to purge the want of companionship/sexuality/you name it. All I can advise is just to learn all you can from your relationships. Commonalities, what works, what doesn't, what you liked, what warning signs there are, etc. If not to better know what to look out for, than at the very least for your own mental health. Repeated relationship mistakes suck hardcore.

So I send out virtual hugs, *hugs* and wish you the best of luck.

[Jade]

You know, I've come to a conclusion. Men suck. They are stubborn, irritating, annoying, gross, perverted, and for some damn reason, you can't live without them. Now, I have to be kind of careful, because my boyfriend is on the forums, but after a week worth of fighting, and waking up pissed off (which is totally not the way we normally are), i figured something out.

Stop worrying about the future so much, and worry about how your relationship as it is right now. Enjoy spending the time that you do have with him, and stop running to him all the time. If he loves you, and wants to be with you, he'll come to you. If he doesn't, it's not worth your time. Its totally not fair to you to do all of the work in the relationship.

I guess my advice to you, is to tell him how you feel, and let him take it from there. He is responsible for his half of the relationship. As long as he knows where you are coming from, there isn't a whole lot else for you to do.

I hope that helps you, and if you ever wanna vent, feel free to give me a shout!

-Jade

[Dark AngelHawk]

You know, I've come to a conclusion. Men suck. They are stubborn, irritating, annoying, gross, perverted, and for some damn reason, you can't live without them.
I hope that helps you, and if you ever wanna vent, feel free to give me a shout!
-Jade

Thank you. My friend and I were talking about guys today and we came up with the samething. Sorry it has taken me so long to reply but being sick I haven't spent much time checking everything till today when I started feeling better.

Silverlion: I am so sorry to hear that. I too have had hard relationships, none that I'm going to post about though. I just live on and try again. It helps to know that I have a close friend to always hang out with no matter what happens. I think if you find the right person you'll think differently and yes I'll admit women can be mean as well. I was single for 3 years and I found someone to break that.

And if you guys think I am too entagling you should meet my best friend Mikki. She has to see her bf just about everyday or she'll get seriously pissed at him. He is also not allowed to hang out with other girls unless he asks first. LOL! So if you want an example of entagling that's it!

[bpphantom]

Hope it all works out DAH, but I have no comment here.

-bpphantom - Contented bachelor for life.