Eviction Notice

[AfterglowNoMore]

"I'm Karen Takinawa with PCTY News, on location outside of Saucy's Rib Shack, where just moments earlier a masked man, new too the scene from what our sources tell us, pulled three people from the burning restaurant and apprehended the villainous Brushfire, who escaped custody last month on a number of arson charges. Let's see if we can get a word from the hero of the hour. Sir! Sir!"

"Crap."

"I'm Karen Takinawa with PCTY News, I was wondering if you would be willing to speak with us a moment."

"Crap."

"Excuse me?"

"I said crap. As in, I really don't but probably have to. So go ahead, shoot away. You can't do any worse than the last journalist that took an interest in me."

"Well, first of all, do you have a name?"

"Yes, I do. Next Question."

"Would you mind giving your name?"

"Yes I would."

"A man of little recognition. Well what led you here tonight? On your way home from saving the world? Nightly patrol?"

"Dinner. Best ribs in town, fat lotta good that did them. What is wrong with people? Couldn't the guy have nuked a Denny's or something? No! He had to do his business here. He should get the chair for this."

"Don't you think that that's a little extreme?"

"You obviously never ate there did you?"

"Moving on. You seem to be relatively new in town. What brought you to Paragon?"

"F***ing Politics!"

"Um, you can't say that on television."

"Oh, sorry."

"So what do you mean politics? Are you running for office this fall?"

"Me, no, I'm not that good of a liar. Let me explain..."


Empire City- 3 Weeks Earlier

"Kirby! Get back here! I'm not done with you yet!"

"Go to hell Rupert."

"You can't talk to me like that. I'm the Sentient!! I'm in charge here!"

"Yeah, and if you don't blow it out your a**, everyone on the planet will know that you are the Sentient, not that that wig really should fool anyone. Like I said, I can't take your high and mighty preaching any longer, not from a virgin, a pedophile and a man hater. To quote a wise man, 'Screw you guys, I'm goin home.' If you guys want to reach me, pull your heads out of each others a**es and give me a call. Until then, consider this my resignation."

"The power to heal is a great weight on one's shoulders. To decide who gets to live and who you let suffer is not a choice that I would wish on any man. Combine that with the power to destroy and you have all the prerequisites for manic depression. How would you like to have the lives of an entire city resting on your shoulders. This wasn't a decision that I made hastily, it was a long time coming. The backlash wasn't something that I had anticipated."

An Hour Later

"You did what?!"

"I quit the Regents."

"That's career suicide!"

"Career suicide? I didn't realize that I was getting paid for this."

"You know what I mean. Without the Regents to back you up, every rogue in your gallery is going to come looking for revenge."

"So, if you recall, they are my gallery for a reason, because I beat them. Me. By my self. Alone."

"Yeah, and if you hadn't been able to heal, you'd've died about two dozen times as well."

"Yeah, well, Sentient died twice, and he always came back a prick. What makes you think that I couldn't do the same?"

"Be a prick? Nothing. Cheat death? Luck, or your lack there of."

"I'm lucky."

"Then why are you still buying the same lottery ticket each month?"

"I could kill you right now."

"But you won't. Damn that conscience. So what are you going to do now?"

"You act like I need them. Like I can't survive without them. I was doing this before I joined them."

"For like two weeks."

"Stop interupting me. Like I said, I'll manage."

The Next Morning

"Kirby, you have to see this."

"What?"

"The headline, 'Regents lose Order'."

"That was fast, when Caped Cod left, it took them a week to find out. Guess I'm just that important."

"Keep reading."

"Order quit the regents late last night... yadda yadda yadda. What am I supposed to be seeing?"

"Next to last paragraph."

"Some allege that Order was forced out of the Regents by Regent leader Sentient for reckless behavior leading to millions in property damage over the last year. When asked about the allegations, Sentient only said, 'No comment.' That son of a bastard! That's it, I'm going to the tabloids. They want war, they got it."

"That's quite a story, but that still doesn't answer the question."

"I'm not done yet. It turned out that they were much better at playing the public than I was..."


Empire City- 2 Weeks Ago

"This has got to stop. I mean, there are people saying that you got married to Michael Jackson."

"That's crazy, I'm much too old for him. Besides, at least I did get one good shot in. Bomber Boy's parents took out a restraining order on Captain Kaboom after that piece in the Inquisitor about their 'relationship'. God I love being me."

"You really are going overboard. Have you seen the polls that they've been airing on the nightly news, almost two thirds of the city wants you gone."

"Really, hmm, I'll just have to try harder."

"And the harder I tried, the more they seemed to hate me. Guess if I had Captain Kaboom's money, I'd've had a better shot. It got so bad..."


Empire City- 1 Week Ago

"I can't believe this crap! 90% of the city wants me gone. All because I'm supposedly a Rosie O'Donnell fan, that's just low."

"Politics are a fickle b****."

"Fine, screw em all. I don't need them. See how they manage without me."

The Next Morning

"You aren't going to believe this!"

"What? Did I father Joan River's love child?"

"No, it's the Regents. They were killed in battle last night with the Imperialites. Captain Kaboom self destructed and Sentient's psychic backlash rendered half the people in L.A. comatose for almost four hours."

"Wait, you're saying that I won?"

"Well, kinda, but..."

"I won, I am all that is man. I am the Ultimate Male!"

"Kirby, calm down. The Mayor called about ten minutes ago, he wants to meet you in his office in an hour."

"Probably wants me to come back."

An Hour Later

"Mr. Waye, do come in. I take it you've heard about the tragedy last night."

"You say potato..."

"Right, well, the point is, the city is in need of a protector. After the news last night, the gangs have already begun resurfacing."

"And this has what to do with me?"

"Well, we need you. Your fellow citizens need you."

"How bad do they need me?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Well, I'll be putting my life on the line every day, for nothing."

"You'll have the gratitude of your city, and the joy of a job well done."

"Like I said, nothing. What you need to ask yourself, is not what can Order do for this city, but what can this city do for Order. You want the truth, you can't handle the truth!"

"You lost me towards the end."

"Basically, what tangible things are in it for me. I have ends that need to be made meet."

"Are you extorting me?"

"No, simply placing my offer on the table. A monthly stipend, suitable housing, an HQ, insurance, and my parking tickets taken care of."

"You are out of your mind. This city needs you!"

"The same city that 90% of wanted to get rid of me? The same city that turned it's back on me after I made a decision that had nothing to do with them? The same city that judged me and tried me in the court of public opinion and sentenced me to death? Well F*** you too Mr. Mayor, I'll see you all in the obituaries."

"And that was that, I packed up and moved here, at least this place pays for its protection."

"Well, you heard it here first, Empire City's former resident badboy of herodom has come to Paragon City. I'm Karen Takinawa for PCTY News. Back to you in the studio Derek."

[AfterglowNoMore]

"This is Karen Takinawa with PCTY News. I'm here today with a man that came storming into our city, and into our lives one week ago. Since then he has made quite an impact, not always for the better. But I'll let him tell his story. I give you Kirby Waye, the man known as Order. How are you goind today Mr. Waye?"

"Why did I agree to do this again? Oh, right, the judge agreed to take it off my community service. So where were we? And I decided to change my name, I'm no longer Order."

"Oh, sorry, I didn't know. What is it now?"

"No need to apologize. As for the name I'll get to that."

"You were about to tell us how your first week in Paragon has been."

"Right..."

Saturday...

"Why did you have to try and run? You guys always run!"

"Were you paying attention to what you did to my partner?"

"Hey, I healed that didn't I?"

"Yeah, but then you did it again!"

"He tried to run! Get the picture! God, no wonder you went into crime, you haven't even mastered the obvious yet. What in Neverland Ranch made you think that you'd get away with this. I mean this place has at least 200 heroes per square mile. You'd have a better chance sneaking a ho-ho past Sally Struthers. Did you have a name? I mean all of you low rent B grade villians have names."

"Officer Nigel Vence, PCPD."

"Crap."

"I mean how was I supposed to know that he was an undercover cop? He was holding a gun to a woman's head!

"Well, onlookers did report him saying, 'Please stop, I'm a cop, god this is the most savage beating of my life, no not in the...' I'll leave the rest to your imagination. Continue."

"Thank you, well anyway, that didn't really help me get acclimated to well..."

Sunday...

"I can't believe that this made front page news! I mean, what about the rumors about Xanatos being gay? I leaked that story right after."

"Please, don't do that again. I can't keep moving because of you. You're lucky that my editor doesn't mind where my books get written. Sometimes I don't know why I promised Dad that I'd keep an eye on you after he died."

"Because, you know that without me you never have any fun."

Later That Day...

"Cop Killer!"

"You're as bad as a Catholic priest the day after Lent who just spotted his first altar boy!"

"Hey! He's not dead. And I'm not that bad. Don't you people understand misunderstandings?! What do I have to do prove that to you people?"

"You could get rid of those reality shows!"

"Or maybe you could kill Dr. Phil!"

"Jesus people, something legal at least. Here, see that cripple on the street corner. Tada, he can walk again!"

"You prick, no one wants to give a healthy homeless man any money! Thanks for ruining business."

"Crap."

"And weekends are supposed to be the fun part of the week."

"Well, it couldn't have gotten worse."

"Not worse, just not much better. I figured that maybe joining a team would help. I mean, with my time with the Regents, I figured that I'd have no problem. Nope, I was more wrong than the Warren Commission..."

Monday...

"C'mon, you guys accept anyone!"

"Well, we do have a sort of a theme going here. How would you mind changing your name to Stinkbug?"

An Hour Later...

"Sorry, we don't just let anyone in."

"What? With a name like the Underground, I'd figure you guys could use my help."

"You kinda attract a bit too much attention."

"This coming from a guy whose powers emit huge green lights?"

An Hour Later Again...

"We're on a membership freeze."

"But the Regents were like an Empire City version of the Justice Force."

"And look what you did to them, sorry."

"Crap."

"So that worked just masterfully."

"You might have fared better if you had given it some time first."

"Well, hindsight and all."

Tuesday...

"No one wants anything to do with me in this town."

"Well, that leaves Cleveland and Kansas City that still doesn't hate you. Which do you want to head to this time."

"Hardy har har, one more crack like that, and I tell mom that you're gay."

"But I'm not gay."

"You know mom. You're a writer, you haven't been on a date in two years, you like opera, and you watch Oprah. Like she doesn't already believe that you're gay. All I'd be doing was reaffirming what she already believes."

"And you wonder why you get such great receptions by the people in every city that you go to."

"You know what happened the next day..."

Wednesday...

"This is Karen Takinawa, PCTY News."

"Not you again!"

"The feelings mutual. So you're responsible for all of this? Shouldn't be surprised."

"Hey! This actually wasn't my fault."

"Right, some hero you're turning out to be."

"I'm as much a hero as you are a credible reporter."

"F*** you!"

"Now, Karen, you know you can't say that on television."

"Not a live feed. We can't keep doing this. Let's try again."

"Whatever, maybe this time you shotty journalists won't get the story wrong."

"This is Karen Takinawa, PCTY News. I'm here with Paragon City's least favorite person of the moment..."

"Blow Me!"

"One more time. Morty, in five..."

"This is Karen Takinawa, PCTY News. I'm here once again with Kirby Waye, the man called Order, who has just managed quite a feat. During the apprehension of Randall Mercury, PCPD managed to not only crash two squad cars into Paragon City High School, injuring 20 students, but also lose track of their fugitive. That was until this man showed up. This man who single handedly captured Mercury as he sped off after the collision with the school, but saved the lives of the 20 injured students. Mr. Waye, do you have any comment?"

"Yeah, for one, this time I made sure he wasn't a cop, and I'm just glad that I coudl show everyone that I'm not all bad."

"But you beat Mercury within an inch of his life four times."

"He kept trying to run after I healed him. I told him not to run. And I made sure to yell it loud enough so that there wasn't any room for interpretation."

Thursday...

"So have you given any more thought about changing your name to an insect name? I mean Stinkbug was just a joke, a playful suggestion if you will."

"So the invitations just came pouring in, I even got a fruit basket from the Icons, and Codex Prime sent me a strip-o-gram. Which I never got around to thanking them for."

"Anyway, now that people are finally starting to forgive you for your past transgressions, what do you have to say?"

"Well, First, I'd like to say that my name is no longer Order. Apparently, before the Sentient passed away tragically..."

"Yeah, tragically, didn't you dance on his grave?"

"The reports of that are completely unfounded! Er... as I was saying, before the death of the Regents, Sentient took it upon himself to trademark the name Order. And since we parted on bad terms the executor of his estate has taken it upon himself to enforce that trademark, making it actionable for me to hero under that name. So from tis day forth, we can consider this to be my epilogue of heroing."

"So what's your name then?"

"Epilogue, I just said that."

"No, you just said that..."

"Just once, can we have a conversation that doesn't degrade into petty bickering.

"Ok, just this once. We'll be right back to take your calls."

[AfterglowNoMore]

“Ok, welcome back. If you’re just joining us, the man sitting next to me is Kirby Waye, Order…”

“That’s Epilogue.”

“Right, The Epilady.”

“E-pi-logue.”

“Whatever, we’ll now take your calls.”

“Hi, this is Blake Thompson, you probably don’t remember me but we spent a week in Atlantic City last month. You said that I was special, and that you’d always love me.”

“Ok, Simon, hang up the phone and go back to trying to figure out why you keep getting mistaken for Michael Jackson.”

“Um, let’s take another call. Yes, you have a question for Mr. Waye?”

“Yes, why did you quit the Regents?”

“Because I wasn’t into BDSM. Next question!”

“Kirby!”

“What? I told you no questions about that fiasco. That was my only stipulation. Now next question.”

“Hiya, jackass, you recognize me? No? I’m the cripple you healed last week.”

“God, I said I was sorry about that. Jesus, I was trying to help, sue me.”

“I am. I just called to tell you that my lawyer will be in touch. Have a nice day f***o.”

“Why you little! Why don’t you go mainline some mouthwash you street trash! Or better yet, why don’t you go to the homeless shelter and sue them for making you no longer homeless you degenerate rectal scraping.”

“Well, we’ll be right back after these messages.”

“And we’re back in two.”

“Kirby, you can’t keep acting like this. I mean, sure, I take joy in watching you get crucified in the court of public opinion, but, you don’t need to go out of your way to help people hate you.”

“C’mon, have you heard the crap that’s spewing out of people’s mouths? It’s like they’re trying to piss me off to see what I’ll do next. It’s like I’m the new Dennis Rodman, and they’re just waiting for me to marry myself.”

“And we’re back in five… four… three… two…”

“We have our next caller.”

“Hi, my name is Billy Vine, I’m nine years old, and I live in…”

“Um, do you have a question, kid?”

“Oh, yeah, how did you get your powers?”

“Kirby slept with an unclean woman, kid.”

“And thank you for tuning in. Join us tomorrow, when I’ll be publicly fired.”


Later that night

“I can’t believe that you said that to a nine year old.”

“I can’t believe that you tried to out me on live television.”

“So you admit you’re gay?”

“I’m not gay.”

“Well, you can only be outed if you have something to hide. What you meant to say was that you can’t believe that I took a cheap shot at you on live television and attempted to convince the city that you were of the homosexual persuasion.”

“Hate… you… so… much.”

“And what did you mean by that Michael Jackson crack?”

“What were you doing waiting by the playground for the preteen crowd to come by?”

“I’ve never been to the playground.”

“I know that, and you know that, but that won’t keep you from a cavity search.”

“And to think, I was gonna help you out with that lawsuit.”

“No need, the Regents kept Cochran on retainer.”

“But you quit.”

“Yes, but they all died before they could take me off the roster. That means that I still have full benefits. Aren’t politics fun?”

“Actually that’s more law than politics.”

“Don’t you have a cabbage patch kid that you need to molest?”


The Next Day

Knock! Knock!

“Five more minutes, I don’t have to save the world till noon.”

Knock! Knock!

“So help me god, if you’re another Jehovah’s Witness, I’ll make sure you get to see God post haste.”

“Hi Kirby.”

“What are you doing at my home? Are you armed? I have powerful friends!”

“I’m here foe a favor. No, I’m not armed. And, I wasn’t aware that you had any friends. I mean your own brother tried to out you on live television.”

“Well, technically he didn’t try to out me. To out me, I would have to have something to hide. What he did was try to publicly embarrass me on live television.”

“Try coming up with your own lines every now and then Kirb. I’m Simon, Kirby’s brother. And you have my sincerest apologies for having had to meet him.”

“Hm, I see who got the charm in the family. But there isn’t really a family resemblance.”

“Looong story.”

“Hi, remember me, the original participant and subject of the conversation? What’d you want Karen?”

“I need you to come back on the show and apologize.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because if you don’t I’ll be fired, and…”

“I’ll sell the pictures of you dressed as Wonder Woman to the tabloids.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would.”

“I was six!”

“So you are gay.”

“I was six!”

“You were a gay six.”

“You still sleep with a stuffed Fred Flintstone doll.”

“At least I didn’t dress like a woman. And for the record, you made an ugly Amazon.”

“Boys! Jesus, you guys are the poster children for dysfunction.”

“Are Not!”

“Right, and Jessica Simpson’s a MENSA candidate. So are you gonna do it or not?”

“Fine. But I was six dammit!”