What I got in my Email Inbox today

[Tsarmina]

I get some funny stuff emailed to me... here's a sample of what I picked up this morning.
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO
Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids, and Home Of The Early Bird Special

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things with Corn

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan
First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Very Little Else.

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right
To An Attorney...

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
The Edyoocashun State

Texas
Se Hablo Ingles

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont
Ay, Yep

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
We have more rain than you do

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

[Tsarmina]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v610/Tsarmiina/Misc%20Chars/getfuzzy.gif

:lmao:

[Sebastian Kain]

Hahaha! that's awesome! :lol:

[Randomus]

An even more damning one for Nebraska.

Nebraska
Birthplace Of Emo

[Tsarmina]

Teehee. One of my webcomics I like to read (http://twolumps.keenspace.com/)

[TroubleWolf]

Oh, man, ice cream headaches are the worst.

[iggy880]

That is great, I love the Massachusetts one, and the Mississippi one is great as well.

[The Widowed]

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
The original version was better:

Where the men are men,
The women are scarce
And the sheep are nervous.

:D

[Griimace]

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan

Ha! So true.

[iggy880]

I just finished reading through all of them, and even most with my family, and they think its great. I like these ones:

California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.

Michigan
First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable


Oh hell, I liked pretty much them all but those are just some great ones.

[Moon Jump]

New York's is wrong. Everybody here knows what it is!

New York,
We'll kick your City's ass!

[Kinetix]

I get some funny stuff emailed to me... here's a sample of what I picked up this morning.
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Washington
We have more rain than you do



100% wrong

[Tsarmina]

The Rules of Chocolate

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. :chuckle:

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans.
Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived either from sugar
beets or cane, both vegetables.
And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy.
So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable intake.

[Stalking Shadow]

The original version was better:

Where the men are men,
The women are scarce
And the sheep are nervous.

:D


I thought those were the mottos of Scotland and New Zealand...

[BvS]

I was forwarded this (http://www.softlab.ece.ntua.gr/~sivann/pub/swf/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf).

Pass it on.

[Joe Schmoe]

I received this today, thought it was kinda entertaining. :)

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of
assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't
eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5
minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find
out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think
nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is
unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find
anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do
so without any coaching!




DON'T PEEK...............................
























ANSWERS:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it and hung it up to dry.

3. Charcoal

4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

5. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English
language, does not appear once in the long paragraph

[Tsarmina]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v610/Tsarmiina/Misc%20Chars/getfuzzy1.gif

[Tsarmina]

Things That Will Make You Crazy

* You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid
little plastic thing in the middle of them.

* The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on or
off.

* There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing
down to find an address.

* You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

* The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for
you.

* You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

* Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying
to get a reading.

* There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out
of the tray.

* You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your
entire laundry comes out covered with lint. :grr:

* You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of
7am.

* The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

* You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob
to get out. :look:

* You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the
dictionary because you don't know how to spell it. :grumble:

* You have to inform five different sales people in the same
store that you're just browsing.

* You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you
can't find it. ALL the TIME! :jono:

* You reach under the table to pick something off the floor
and smash your head on the way up.

[TroubleWolf]

[QUOTE=Tsarmina]Things That Will Make You Crazy

* You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid
little plastic thing in the middle of them.

Oh my gosh, yes. That irks me to no end.

* There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing
down to find an address.

:grr: This is the worst when you're working delivery. People were always honking, and I was shouting, "Hey, Old Man Jackson needs his oxygen delivered, can you hold on a second so he doesn't DIE?!"

* There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out
of the tray.

And when you're drunk, trying to mix a drink, this can be soooo frustrating!

* You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your
entire laundry comes out covered with lint. :grr:

This happened to me after a funeral... my black suit pants were pretty much ruined after that.

* The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

Particularly annoying if you really, really wanted to do that song at karaoke this week... :mad:

* You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob
to get out. :look:

Okay, never done that, but that's damned funny. :lol:

* You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you
can't find it.

It's usually behind my ear, covered up by my hair. :(

[Tsarmina]

DAMN! Too bad that tomorrow is Saturday!

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!!

Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing , working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?
Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"

* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day!

[Tsarmina]

Here is your horoscope
for Tuesday, May 10:

Half of you wants to stay up well past your bedtime and insist that your friends join you. The other half wants to turn in early. You might as well play tonight. You probably won't want to tomorrow.

:chuckle: I like it when my horoscope agrees with me. I guess I stay up and play tonight!! (and call in sick tomorrow so I can sleep) :cool:

[Tsarmina]

Now you'll never miss a minute of playtime....

[WingedAvenger]

Things That Will Make You Crazy
"Do you ever find yourself standing in a particular room of your house, and you can't remember why you went into that room in the first place?" -- George Carlin

[Tsarmina]

I've been getting a few of these emails the last few weeks... not really funny HA HA but weird all the same.

For the subject line:
"NULL, if you like wine you'll love this"
"NULL, get unlimited music and movie downloads"
"NULL, protect your pet from fleas & ticks today"


I see a trend here... :eyebrow:

[Tsarmina]

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. :eyebrow:

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. :chuckle:

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you! to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. :p

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. :lmao:

[ChairLegOfTruth]

I thought those were the mottos of Scotland and New Zealand... Wales. Scotland is deficient in sheep due to being cold.

Wales is the place with lots of sheep.

[Poison]

Those were awesome, Mina. :lol:

[Tsarmina]

Things that make you go Hmmm...

1. Can you cry under water?

2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

4. Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?

5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

8. What disease did cured ham actually have?

9. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

10. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

11. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

12. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

13. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

14. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

15. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America???

16. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

17. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

18. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

20. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

That's only half the list... the rest is for tomorrow!

[thebluecanary]

The Rules of Chocolate
Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans.
Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived either from sugar
beets or cane, both vegetables.
And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy.
So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable intake.

Don't forget that it also has Soy Lecithin. Isn't that just great?

You have no idea what that is do you? Man.... read a book! Its an oil made from Soy that is used to help keep Choclate all together. yum Yum! So think about this. Everytime you each Choclate, you are also eating a little soy! Soy = Healthy! There you go.

[thebluecanary]

Things That Will Make You Crazy

* You have to inform five different sales people in the same
store that you're just browsing.

You know I am the sales person right? You know they make us do that right?

[Masked Revenger]

You know I am the sales person right? You know they make us do that right?

I actually prefer they do that. I don't think I should have to look for a sales person.

Chris

[Tsarmina]

And you know I'm just gonna say GO Away right??

[Bari Jon]

You know I am the sales person right? You know they make us do that right?

Yes, and that is why you won't get a sale from me. Why can't you let us look at the items in your store, while you sit quietly in the department? Then when I go over to the spot that you are supposed to be at, that you be available for when I need you. Because pressure sales only work with the stupid, who do constitute a majority of the population...

dangit, I just lost my own argument. :chuckle:

[Tsarmina]

:D

21. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

22. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? (I've always wondered..)

23. When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

24. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

25. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

26. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

27. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

28. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

29. What do you call male ballerinas?

30. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

31. If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

32. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

33. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

34. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

35. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

36. Why did you just try singing the two songs above? (LMAO...)

37. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

38. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

[Joe Schmoe]

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amahl." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes he also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Tsarmina]

*chuckles*
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock's price goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a U.S. bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. Hey!! :shinner:

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks and comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow, but its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children."
The legislature passes a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations and the cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

[Joe Schmoe]

:lmao: Oh my god.. That's some hilarious stuff Mina

[Tsarmina]

Well. I don't write em, I just pass em on.

Thanks to you for bumping this thread and reminding me I had that one saved in my inbox to post. :)

[Tsarmina]

Headlines from the year 2029

* Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in
the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,
formerly known as California.

* Baby conceived naturally - scientists stumped.

* Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

* Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at
least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe
levels.

* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be
imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned
all smoking.

* George Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89
and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. :yoy:

* 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key
to weight loss. :think:

* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their
civil rights.

* Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

* New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-
drivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be
registered by January 2036. >:]

* Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with
congressman.

* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. :o

* Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[Joe Schmoe]

:lol: That Chelsea one especially slays me

[Masked Revenger]

You forgot one:

*Gas has reached a new low in pricing, getting as far down as $20.00 a gallon.

Chris

[Masked Revenger]

I hope you don't minde me adding one. :)

"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)

"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement."
- Mark Twain

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."
- George Burns

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
- Victor Borge

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
- Mark Twain

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir..mighty scarce."
- Mark Twain

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get" a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."
- Jilly Cooper

"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat."
- Alex Levine

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
- Mark Twain

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
- Ed Furgol

"Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
- Spike Milligan

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
- Henny Youngman

"I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position."
- Mark Twain

"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up."
- Joe Namath

"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."
- Herbert Henry Asquith

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
- Bob Hope

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
- WC. Fields

"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress."
- Will Rogers

"Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you."
- Winston Churchill

"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out."
- Phyllis Diller

"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out."
- Unknown

"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."
- Billy Crystal

Chris

[Tsarmina]

:D Those are good MR! Here's one I got today and spent a 1/2 hr trying to solve it.
Here are the rules. To start the game click the big blue circle on the bottom right of the screen.

* Everybody has to cross the river.
* Only two persons on the raft at a time.
* The father can not stay with any of the daughters without their mother's presence.
* The mother can not stay with any of the sons without their father's presence.
* The thief (striped shirt) cannot stay with any family member if the policeman is not there.
* Only the father, the mother and the policeman know how to operate the raft.
* To move people, click on them.
* To move the raft, click on the poles

Have fun!

http://freeweb.siol.net/danej/riverIQGame.swf

[Masked Revenger]

Okay, a little thread necromancy.

Here's one I got today, I thought was interesting. I guess all the big words were to make it sound more legal or something.

From: Jacklyn Conley

Sir/Madam,
Your case file has been contemplated to the important commissions, and upon fastidious consideration, we are able to volunteer to you the consequent prospect.

Based upon fastidious consideration you meet the criteria to be given a generous return on your first property investment.

By completing the consequent attached form in a timely manner we will be able to finalize our assessment, and we feel convinced you will be given not only a decreased rate of interest, but also a cash return that will implement all your holiday needs and more!

Please go here to finalize this period of the settlement.

With sincerest regards,

Jacklyn Conley







Should you prefer not to take advantage of this holiday prospect you can go here.

Chris

[Tsarmina]

Sounds fishy to me...
Anyways, here's one I got last week.
Did you know this about vodka?

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

6. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

7. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

8. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

9. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

10. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

11. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

12. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

13. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

14. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me. I've only been drinking the stuff!!!

[Masked Revenger]

I bet you could just use straight alcohol in replace of vodka.

Chris

[Tsarmina]

And another:
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. :naughty:

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v610/Tsarmiina/smilies/huh.gif

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a per son on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." :sleep:

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as the honeymoon. :D

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints
and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" :buddies:

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim,
or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the
whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by
this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~



At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

..................



Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wo uthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

[Druid]

That last one drives me crazy everytime I see it. Because I automatically start to read it and it takes me awhile to figure out the words are scrambled.

[Tsarmina]

Except they misspelled "teh". :chuckle:

[Krypto]

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

Not true.

http://www.snopes.com/cokelore/green.asp

And it's possible to lick your elbow. :P

[Tsarmina]

I just get em in my email, I don't particularly beleive all of em. And I personally can not lick my elbow, I did try. And NO, you can not lick it for me. ;)

[Solario]

Not true.

http://www.snopes.com/cokelore/green.asp


Ahh Caramel and Cocaine. The breakfast of champs.

And taht Cgimbarie tihng aobut the rvseee has been dbeuenkd too.

[Elemento]

Just some comments on reading through this. :)
[QUOTE=Tsarmina]Things That Will Make You Crazy
* There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out
of the tray.

And when you're drunk, trying to mix a drink, this can be soooo frustrating!
Why frustrating? Just take the whole tray with the stuck ice cubes and place it in the pitcher you're drinking from. You're drunk. What's the big deal? :chuckle: LOL

On that band-aid one, the same thing happens with a pack of cigarettes. Can't always seem to get that strip to work right some times. End up tearing the top off the pack or using a knife to cut the cellophane wrapper. O_o

Yes those were the days (not that I was around mind you :chuckle: Not that old YET :D ) when coke had punch.

In the piece where you had rolled up newspapers being registered, I just want to add: What about umbrellas, parasols, and bumbershoots? :lol:

Yes, I must say I'm a contrast to the real world with my logical sense. ;)

Socrates' quote has a mixed bag in my situation. A good wife to make me happy but the bad medical to make me philosophical.

I know why there's a light in the fridge and not the freezer.
Scientific explanation for it: Normally we store stuff in the freezer to use at a much later time. Food will last longer in our freezer because there's no light. The light actually spurs on the production of bacteria which causes our food to get moldy in the fridge. The more we open that door, we're exposing our food to germs and bacteria. See, the light raises temp if only a few degrees each time. This gives bacteria a chance to breed faster.
It's a ploy to keep us buying food more rather than later even if we don't plan on eating it the same day. So if your light goes out in your fridge, consider it a blessing of sorts.
BTW. The same thing happens with oven lights. You turn it on to see what's baking, you're activating bacteria in the meat. Most cases though, the heat destroys them but not in all especially cakes and other bakery.

Honey does go bad if it has the comb inside. Try leaving it out for a week. Actually anything can go bad. :look:

[Krypto]

Speaking of drinks, Solario, hasn't anyone told you not to drink and post?

[Solario]

Oddly enough I'm more drunk now than when I made that post. Hmm.

[iggy880]

And another:
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. :naughty:

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v610/Tsarmiina/smilies/huh.gif

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a per son on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." :sleep:

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as the honeymoon. :D

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints
and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" :buddies:

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim,
or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the
whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by
this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~



At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

..................



Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wo uthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

These are pretty good, and I think I can say that I can believe at least most of them. That last one is fun, and I should see if making my own senteces like that works.

[TroubleWolf]

And another:
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".

"Can't do much damage with that, now, can we? Perhaps it should've been 'the rule of wrist'." - Boondock Saints.

;)