light humor from Walker

[Stan Walker]

>>> Only in Alberta... This was in the Calgary Sun ... the title of the
>> article
>>> was "Best Comeback Line Ever."
>>> In summary,
>>> the police arrested Ward Branham, a 22-year-old white male, resident
>>> of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on
>> Friday.
>>> Ward will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public
>>> indecency, and public intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on
>>> Monday.
>>> The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he
>>> decided to stop.
>>> "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no
>>> one
>> around
>>> there for miles.
>>> At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
>>> Ward
>> went
>>> on to say that he pulled
>>> over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was
>>> appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to
>>> satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you
>>> know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
>>> In the process, Ward apparently failed to notice a police car
>>> approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brin
>>> Taylor approached him.
>>> "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
>>> "I walked up to (Ward) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin. "
>>> Taylor went on to describe what happened when SHE approached Ward.
>>> "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that
>>> you are screwing a pumpkin?"
>>> He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
>>> looked
>> me
>>> straight in the face and said,
>>> ... "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

[Stan Walker]

new stuff for ya cause this is my friday..kinda long bear with me...


>How to make a woman happy
>
>It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
>
>1. a friend
>2. a companion
>3. a lover
>4. a brother
>5. a father
>6. a master
>7. a chef
>8. an electrician
>9. a carpenter
>10. a plumber
>11. a mechanic
>12. a decorator
>13. a stylist
>14. a sexologist
>15. a gynecologist
>16. a psychologist
>17. a pest exterminator
>18. a psychiatrist
>19. a healer
>20. a good listener
>21. an organizer
>22. a good father
>23. very clean
>24. sympathetic
>
>25. athletic
>26. warm
>27. attentive
>28. gallant
>29. intelligent
>30. funny
>31. creative
>32. tender
>33. strong
>34. understanding
>35. tolerant
>36. prudent
>37. ambitious
>38. capable
>39. courageous
>40. determined
>41. true
>42. dependable
>43. passionate
>
>WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
>44. give her compliments regularly
>45. love shopping
>46. be honest
>47. be very rich
>48. not stress her out
>49. not look at other girls
>
>AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
>50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
>51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
>52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
>
>IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
>53. to never forget:
>
>* birthdays
>* anniversaries
>* arrangements she makes
>
>
>HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
>
>1. Feed him
>2. Screw him
>3. Shut the hell up.


Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics?
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?


If you guessed the 535 members of the United States Congress, you're RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!




WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I
thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.

[Stan Walker]

Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud,
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is.
They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently! , I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light beer truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event: Frank is Judge #3.
Chili # 1 - Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t! What the hell is this stuff?!
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 - Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 - Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill... My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in ! the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-
faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 - Dave's Black Magic..
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish, or other mild foods;
not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Suzie, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 - Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers! make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead,
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Suzie saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off. It really ticked me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 - Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*t on myself when I farted and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Suzie. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 - Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hu! m; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili! # 8 - Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?

[Stan Walker]

ZEN AND THE WISDOM OF LIFE
>
>
>
>1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
>for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
>leave me the hell alone.
>
>2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
>neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
>
>3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
>
>4. No one is listening until you fart.
>
>5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
>car payments.
>
>6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
>That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have
>their shoes.
>
>7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
>
>8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
>and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
>
>9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
>worth it.
>
>
>10. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.
>
>11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
>from bad judgment.
>
>12. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
>
>13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
>
>14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
>on the same night .

[Embers]

laughing uncontrollably, rolling on the floor, holding my sides. Love it man, can't wait to read more.