Anyone good at writing origins?

[suburbanhell]

My toons origins need a little...hmm...something. Anyone want to pull one of my crey and give it a shot?

[Masked Revenger]

What exactly are you looking for? Just a re-worked origin story? A short story involving your character's origin? Both?

I'm willing to give it a go, but I need to know what you're looking for.

Chris

[suburbanhell]

What exactly are you looking for? Just a re-worked origin story? A short story involving your character's origin? Both?

I'm willing to give it a go, but I need to know what you're looking for.

Chris

I think a reworked origin, or a brand new origin perhaps, my storywriting skills/imagination has been lacking as of late and I'd like to get my crey's updated all nice, etc...

[Masked Revenger]

I've always liked Major Obvious, I'll see what I can do.

Chris

[suburbanhell]

Sweet! Major's story is probably the most developed one I have but there's definitely more that could be done with it :)

[Malibu Sally]

Try this:

A man was born. He lived, found he had superpowers, and will someday die.


Never said I was any good at this. :D

[Tsarmina]

Try this:

A man was born. He lived, found he had superpowers, and will someday die.


Never said I was any good at this. :D
Sally, you forgot to mention the lesbian Hellion parents! :o

[Malibu Sally]

Sally, you forgot to mention the lesbian Hellion parents! :o


Too many words. I like to keep things simple. That's why I also left out the sayions and forcus. :P

[Sebastian Kain]

My toons origins need a little...hmm...something. Anyone want to pull one of my crey and give it a shot?


I'm not a great writer but I can do it. The Good Doctor is already apart of the Silent World Order history, and your welcome to add that to your Crey when I get it finished. :sk:

[Masked Revenger]

Okay, it's rough (and no doubt in need of editing) but tell me what you think of this.

Major Obvious

Nelson McMahon was born to a poor family doing the best they could to scrape by in Paragon City. His father, Richard, was always trying new things to get more money into the home, but none of them ever worked our, and his mother, Sarah, worked as a waitress at a truck stop. Neither of them ever showed much interest in Nelson, who was constantly failing in school and getting into fights with other kids. The only person Nelson ever got along with was his father, Henry, a retired army soldier who fought in WWII. Nelson would love to listen to his grandfather tell stories of the storming of Normandy, and the Battle of the Bulge, where his father was shot in the back and confined to a wheel chair for the rest of his life.

Despite his grandfather’s best attempts, however, Nelson continued got into fights at school, and by the time he had reached High School age, had been recruited into the Skulls street gang. It was here that someone first recognized his true potential. Nelson exhibited a natural leadership quality and found himself quickly promoted to a leader in the Skulls, almost ready to go through the ceremony that would turn him into a Bone Daddy. That was when tragedy of his life struck. Nelson’s grandfather, never the healthiest of men, was sent to the hospital for a heart attack. Upon arriving at the hospital, it quickly became obvious to Nelson that his grandfather was dying. He stayed by his grandfather’s side all throughout the night, staying even when the rest of his family left. It was at 2 am when Henry awoke enough to speak, and called Nelson close. His grandfather whispered his disappointment in Nelson for joining the Skulls, and told him he should do something with his life. Nelson tried to explain about the Skulls, but his grandfather would hear nothing of it. “If you really want to do something for me, Nelson,” Henry croaked, “then you’ll join the Army. They’ll make a real man out of you.” With that, Nelson’s grandfather died.

The very next day, Nelson was at a recruitment depot signing up for the Army. One week later, he was on a bus heading to boot camp. Never small, Nelson’s nearly 6’4” made him tower over everyone in boot camp, including his Drill Instructor, causing the DI to nickname him Private Obvious. His DI could often be heard saying, “God Damn, Private Obvious, even with camo on, I can still see you!” However, it didn’t take long for Nelson’s leadership’s abilities to make themselves know, and he was quickly picked as squad leader, and when he graduated from Boot Camp, it was with a stripe on his uniform. Nelson found Army life to his liking, and his street fighting skills translated very well into boxing. After boot camp, Nelson spent most of his career fighting in the Army’s amateur boxing league. It was during this time that his superior officer, a Captain Handle, decided that Nelson was ripe for becoming an officer, and suggested Officer Candidate School. It was something Nelson never thought of before, especially sense it required college. But, he took the tests and passed, going to school and training to become an officer.

After he graduated, he decided to try something in the Army with a little more action than the boxing circuit, and tried out for Special Forces. It was here that he truly shined, and moved quickly through the ranks, eventually making the rank of Major. He found himself working with several of his buddies from basic training, and they took to referring to him by his old nickname. It caught on, and eventually his entire command was calling him Major Obvious. It was, quite possibly, the happiest time of Nelson’s life.

His deeds and record eventually drew the attention of some of the higher ups in the Pentagon, who asked Nelson to volunteer for a series of experiments designed to increase muscle mass and involved testing with cybernetics. Always looking for new things to challenge him, Nelson agreed. At first, the experiments went well, and Nelson increased his already impressive size. He eventually reached a height of 7’6” and his increased strength was nearly super-human.

Then, things went wrong. The exact details are unclear, but it happened during the last of the cybernetic surgeries. The government was installing experimental gloves that they believed had the power to level a building in a single punch. During the surgery, there was an accident. Reports from survivors are sketchy, and range from an attack by the Clockwork or the Freakshow to Crey Industries employees, who were assisting with the surgery, sabotaging the experiment. Whatever happened, the result was that the gloves became permanently fused to Nelson’s body.

During the accident, Nelson awoke, and in a blind fury caused by pain and rage, he completely destroyed the lab. Eventually, he calmed down and allowed himself to be taken in by the MPs. Due to the extenuating circumstances of the accident, no charges were pressed. After a few days of recovery, Nelson put in a request to retire from the Army and pursue those that caused the accident, whoever they be. At first, the Army will unwilling to let go of the massive investment they had in Nelson, but then thy realized that this could be the perfect opportunity to field test these experiments. They agreed, under the condition that he not break any laws and that they observe his actions. So it was that Nelson made his way back to the city of his birth, Paragon City, and registered as a Hero, allowing him to investigate and personally punish those that caused the accident. Taking his Army nickname as his new hero name, he now hunts in Paragon City as Major Obvious.

[Malibu Sally]

Okay, it's rough (and no doubt in need of editing) but tell me what you think of this.

Major Obvious

Nelson McMahon was born to a poor family doing the best they could to scrape by in Paragon City. His father, Richard, was always trying new things to get more money into the home, but none of them ever worked our, and his mother, Sarah, worked as a waitress at a truck stop. Neither of them ever showed much interest in Nelson, who was constantly failing in school and getting into fights with other kids. The only person Nelson ever got along with was his father, Henry, a retired army soldier who fought in WWII. Nelson would love to listen to his grandfather tell stories of the storming of Normandy, and the Battle of the Bulge, where his father was shot in the back and confined to a wheel chair for the rest of his life.

Despite his grandfather’s best attempts, however, Nelson continued got into fights at school, and by the time he had reached High School age, had been recruited into the Skulls street gang. It was here that someone first recognized his true potential. Nelson exhibited a natural leadership quality and found himself quickly promoted to a leader in the Skulls, almost ready to go through the ceremony that would turn him into a Bone Daddy. That was when tragedy of his life struck. Nelson’s grandfather, never the healthiest of men, was sent to the hospital for a heart attack. Upon arriving at the hospital, it quickly became obvious to Nelson that his grandfather was dying. He stayed by his grandfather’s side all throughout the night, staying even when the rest of his family left. It was at 2 am when Henry awoke enough to speak, and called Nelson close. His grandfather whispered his disappointment in Nelson for joining the Skulls, and told him he should do something with his life. Nelson tried to explain about the Skulls, but his grandfather would hear nothing of it. “If you really want to do something for me, Nelson,” Henry croaked, “then you’ll join the Army. They’ll make a real man out of you.” With that, Nelson’s grandfather died.

The very next day, Nelson was at a recruitment depot signing up for the Army. One week later, he was on a bus heading to boot camp. Never small, Nelson’s nearly 6’4” made him tower over everyone in boot camp, including his Drill Instructor, causing the DI to nickname him Private Obvious. His DI could often be heard saying, “God Damn, Private Obvious, even with camo on, I can still see you!” However, it didn’t take long for Nelson’s leadership’s abilities to make themselves know, and he was quickly picked as squad leader, and when he graduated from Boot Camp, it was with a stripe on his uniform. Nelson found Army life to his liking, and his street fighting skills translated very well into boxing. After boot camp, Nelson spent most of his career fighting in the Army’s amateur boxing league. It was during this time that his superior officer, a Captain Handle, decided that Nelson was ripe for becoming an officer, and suggested Officer Candidate School. It was something Nelson never thought of before, especially sense it required college. But, he took the tests and passed, going to school and training to become an officer.

After he graduated, he decided to try something in the Army with a little more action than the boxing circuit, and tried out for Special Forces. It was here that he truly shined, and moved quickly through the ranks, eventually making the rank of Major. He found himself working with several of his buddies from basic training, and they took to referring to him by his old nickname. It caught on, and eventually his entire command was calling him Major Obvious. It was, quite possibly, the happiest time of Nelson’s life.

His deeds and record eventually drew the attention of some of the higher ups in the Pentagon, who asked Nelson to volunteer for a series of experiments designed to increase muscle mass and involved testing with cybernetics. Always looking for new things to challenge him, Nelson agreed. At first, the experiments went well, and Nelson increased his already impressive size. He eventually reached a height of 7’6” and his increased strength was nearly super-human.

Then, things went wrong. The exact details are unclear, but it happened during the last of the cybernetic surgeries. The government was installing experimental gloves that they believed had the power to level a building in a single punch. During the surgery, there was an accident. Reports from survivors are sketchy, and range from an attack by the Clockwork or the Freakshow to Crey Industries employees, who were assisting with the surgery, sabotaging the experiment. Whatever happened, the result was that the gloves became permanently fused to Nelson’s body.

During the accident, Nelson awoke, and in a blind fury caused by pain and rage, he completely destroyed the lab. Eventually, he calmed down and allowed himself to be taken in by the MPs. Due to the extenuating circumstances of the accident, no charges were pressed. After a few days of recovery, Nelson put in a request to retire from the Army and pursue those that caused the accident, whoever they be. At first, the Army will unwilling to let go of the massive investment they had in Nelson, but then thy realized that this could be the perfect opportunity to field test these experiments. They agreed, under the condition that he not break any laws and that they observe his actions. So it was that Nelson made his way back to the city of his birth, Paragon City, and registered as a Hero, allowing him to investigate and personally punish those that caused the accident. Taking his Army nickname as his new hero name, he now hunts in Paragon City as Major Obvious.

Bah! Mine was more to the point. :P

[suburbanhell]

Thanks Masked Revenger, that was freakin awesome! :rock:

[suburbanhell]

I'm not a great writer but I can do it. The Good Doctor is already apart of the Silent World Order history, and your welcome to add that to your Crey when I get it finished. :sk:

Will do. :)

[Masked Revenger]

Thanks Masked Revenger, that was freakin awesome! :rock:

Glad you liked it. I was looking through your other character's Crey files, and think I may give Miss Judgement a go tomorrow.

Chris

[suburbanhell]

Glad you liked it. I was looking through your other character's Crey files, and think I may give Miss Judgement a go tomorrow.

Chris

Sweet! :)

[suburbanhell]

http://www.creyindustries.com/viewhero.php?id=6442

Updated Major's crey with your story MR, a couple *minor* tweaks to it.

Thanks again!!
:)

[Malibu Sally]

I am crushed that you never even gave mine a second glance. What's the matter with being concise? :D

[suburbanhell]

Nothing at all, but I am hoping to make Major a TOTW someday and wanted something far better than I could write. :)

[Masked Revenger]

Nice, I like the tweeks you made. I'm still working on Miss Judgement. I had an idea but scrapped it as it was total crap, and am now working on a new idea that I like much better. I'll hopefully have something up either today or tomorrow, depending on how busy it gets at work. (Dang Mother's Day...)

You might want to do some editing, though... keeping his grandfather's name consistant will help. :)

Chris

[suburbanhell]

Nice, I like the tweeks you made. I'm still working on Miss Judgement. I had an idea but scrapped it as it was total crap, and am now working on a new idea that I like much better. I'll hopefully have something up either today or tomorrow, depending on how busy it gets at work. (Dang Mother's Day...)

Chris

Sweet! Can't wait to see it!

[Masked Revenger]

Okay, so this isn't as detailed as the Major's, but I like it. Tell me what you think. :)

The Secret Origin of Miss Judgment

Tiffany Allen was always considered cold hearted, even as far back as high school. Some even suggested that she lacked the ability to even feel emotions. All of this bothered Tiffany very little, and, in fact, only helped her to do her job as a Lawyer in the DA’s office. She was very efficient, and in her brief time out of school, several prominent criminals had been put in prison due to her cool, calculated courtroom style. There was little doubt amongst her peers that she would make DA herself one day. In fact, the only thing that confused people was why she worked in the DA’s office, rather that in a private firm where she could make far more money. The truth of the matter was that Tiffany enjoyed putting criminals away, getting an almost sadistic thrill from battling wits with them and their lawyers. It was the most intense emotion she ever felt.

Not long ago, something happened to Tiffany that could possibly explain her cold heartedness. She was leaving the office and heading to her car in the parking lot, when she was jumped by a group of Hellions. In surprise, she raised her arm to defend herself, and several of the villains were surrounded by solid chunks of ice, frozen in place. The remainder of the gang fled, screaming about her being a “cape.” The event actually frightened Tiffany, though after a few seconds, a cold grin creped across her face at the sight of the frozen thugs. Justice was served, only in this case, outside of the courtroom.

The next morning, she discovered a side effect of this newfound ability. Her hair had turned a ice blue color. Now desirous to find out what happened to her, she visited her mother, whom she hadn’t spoken to since she moved out at 18. Her mother had lived alone in the same house since her father had died 10 years ago, and was surprised to see her wayward daughter come home. Upon seeing the blue hair, a smile spread across her mother’s face, and she said, “So, I see you have it too.”

Sitting down to dinner, her mother explained. Both Tiffany and her mother were mutants. Tiffany’s mother first discovered her powers when she was 19, and had a brief career as a hero called Ice Queen. The blue hair seemed to be part of the powers, and her mother had taken to dying it to keep her identity secret. However, she eventually gave up being a hero in order to marry her father. She was never too sure if the powers would be passed on, but apparently they were.

Tiffany was shocked. Her mother, a hero? And she a mutant? This was a little too much to handle. She headed home to think about it, and eventually realized a few things. The brief fight against the Hellions had given her the same thrill she received in court, putting slime away. Maybe this was another way of doing the same thing, as a registered hero. Dying her hair would be no problem, her normal hair color was easy enough to duplicate. She decided to at least give it a try. She designed her self a simple costume out of a couple of leather Halloween costumes left behind by a previous boyfriend, and called herself Miss Judgment in a vague allusion to her job in the DA’s office.

So far, she’s enjoyed being Miss Judgment, and sees no end in sight.

[suburbanhell]

That's a great starting point, I took a look at the story and there's a couple tweaks I'd make to it but that's WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more than I had before which was something along the lines of "there was this coldhearted woman, she's a mutant, the end" LOL...I've already got ideas cooking up from what's been done on this thus far, tyvm!!! :)

[Masked Revenger]

That's a great starting point, I took a look at the story and there's a couple tweaks I'd make to it but that's WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more than I had before which was something along the lines of "there was this coldhearted woman, she's a mutant, the end" LOL...I've already got ideas cooking up from what's been done on this thus far, tyvm!!! :)

I figured you would want to make some tweeks, and that's cool, it's your character, feel free. :)

This was fun. :cool:

Chris

[suburbanhell]

Well feel free to take a stab at any of the others if you want, heh, I'd be quite interested to see your take on them :)

[Masked Revenger]

Well feel free to take a stab at any of the others if you want, heh, I'd be quite interested to see your take on them :)

heh heh... I'd love to, but I really need to work on other writing projects I have... plus, I don't want to hog all the glory. Maybe Sally has another idea for you. ;)

BTW, I love the changes you made to Miss Judgement. Making her mother a villian was perfect! I had trouble with her motivation to be a hero, and that was just what it needed.

Chris

[suburbanhell]

Yeah it's still not entirely done I need to tweak it a tad more but I haven't had the time, but it's definitely more fitting for her now I think. :) I again ty for the brunt of the work to begin with, since I had "there was this girl, she's a mutant." before. LOL