8 Ball's Jokes of the day - Some 18+ content

[8 Ball]

OK, Third go with this thread, some may be clean others...not so much. Enjoy :D. A few of these have probably been posted at some time or another...getting hard to remember in my old age.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12, and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s ‘the night.’ We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

[8 Ball]

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

[8 Ball]

A kindergarten class was given a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. The first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

“It’s a period,” said the little boy.

“Well, I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period?”

“Damned if I know,” said the little boy, “but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”

[Quakester]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

[8 Ball]

Just before an American wrestler takes on a Russian opponent, his coach warns him to avoid the Russky’s unbeatable “pretzel” move.

The match starts, and the Russian quickly gets the American doubled over in the pretzel. The coach can’t bear to watch…then he looks up to see his wrestler pinning the Russian.

“How’d you do it?” the coach asks after the match.

“I saw this pair of balls in front of my face,” the wrestler replies. “So I just bit them.” “It worked!” the coach exclaims.

“No,” says the wrestler. “But it’s amazing how strong you get when your testicles get bitten.”

[8 Ball]

Leaving the poker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

"You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask, ’How ’bout a little?’ and she pretends to be asleep."

[8 Ball]

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”

“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”

[8 Ball]

A blonde and a brunette drive into a lumberyard. The blonde gets out of her truck, walks up to a worker, and asks for some four-by-twos.

"You mean two-by-fours?" the worker asks.

The blonde says, "I’ll go check." She walks back to the truck, asks the brunette, and returns a minute later. "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?" asks the worker.

The blonde pauses for a minute and says, "Hold on, I’d better go check."

After a moment, the blonde returns to the worker and says, "A long time. We’re gonna build a house."

[8 Ball]

A wife wakes up of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. Checking around the house, she hears sounds from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she finds her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

"Honey, what’s wrong?" she asks, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant, and your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replies.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."

[8 Ball]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

[8 Ball]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.
“Olympic condoms?”, she asks, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors,” he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily.

“Gold of course,” says the man proudly.

The wife responds, “Really, why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

[WingedAvenger]

“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
Okay, maybe I'm just being dense or something, but I don't get these ones. Am I the only one?

[Joe Schmoe]

Second one has me confused, but that first one, he's too drunk to realise that's his wife. He thinks its some other woman

[inde]

He would have gone to jail for 20 years. On that day he would have been released [and never had to marry]. I assumed he impregnated an under-age girl or something like that.

[Half Life]

Wow, rarely see someone needing a joke explained, he woulda rather done his time in jail than to have got married. Being out of jail he woulda been free, but he's still gonna be married to her tomorrow.

[Lorash]

Didn't wanna butt into your thread, 8Ball, but i just wanted to share this fun bit of true trivia and double (maybe triple?) entendre' somewhere, especially since you have it makred as 18+:

The first ever condom commercial in the US aired during an episode of Herman's Head during 1991 on FOX.

That is all :)

[8 Ball]

Poor neglegted thread :D

A man goes into a repair shop to get his watch fixed. But when he sees that the girl running the store is extremely hot, he unzips his pants and lays his johnson on the counter.

“Sir, what are you doing? This is a clock shop!” the shocked girl shouts.

“I know,” he replies. “I’d like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this.”

[8 Ball]

A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts “Theme Party Come as a Human Emotion.”

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” and the guy says, “I’m green with envy.” The host replies, “Brilliant, come on in and have a drink.”

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” And she replies, “I’m tickled pink.” The host says, “I love it, come on in and join the party.”

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two blokes from Jamaica, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, “What the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?” The first guy replies, “Well, I’m f*cking disgusted, and my friend here has come in despair.”

[8 Ball]

A young man is walking down by the docks one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old fisherman, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, “Hey old timer, why the long face?”
The old man looks at him and points out the window, “See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me Simon the dockbuilder? No,no."


The old man continued, “And see that ship out there? I ’ve been fishing these waters for going on thirty-five years! but do they call me Simon the fisherman? No,no. ”


The old man starts to cry again, “But you f*ck one goat … ”

[8 Ball]

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it.”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$25.00”

The next few weeks find the boy and her mother’s lover in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball mitt.”
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy: “$75.00”
Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy: “$100.00”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church and making you confess.”

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth, then closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that **** again.”

[8 Ball]

This one took me a couple seconds to get :P


A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what’s wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply, “The word is celebrate.”

[8 Ball]

A young Native American boy approaches to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named ‘Mighty Storm’?”

“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”

“Well, why is my sister named ‘Cornflower’?”

“Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.”

“And why is my other sister called ‘Moonchild’?”

“We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived…”

“…Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

[Esbat]

A young Native American boy approaches to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named ‘Mighty Storm’?”

“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”

“Well, why is my sister named ‘Cornflower’?”

“Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.”

“And why is my other sister called ‘Moonchild’?”

“We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived…”

“…Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

LMFAO.... :P

[8 Ball]

Julia was puzzled that Jon was so nonchalant after he saw his girlfriend with another man. “You’re in love with her, and you saw her with another guy. Why didn’t you go up to him and knock him out?”

“I’m waiting,” Jon said.

“Waiting for what?” asked Julia.

“Waiting to catch her with a smaller guy.”

[8 Ball]

A bum asks a man for two dollars.

The man says, "If I give you the money, will you just use it to buy booze?"

The bum says no.

The man asks, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum says no.

Then the man asks, "Then will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?"

[8 Ball]

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand…

[8 Ball]

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical.

“Doc, do you think I’ll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?” he asks.

“That depends,” says the doctor. “Do you smoke?”

“No.”

“Do you drink?”

“No.”

“Do you fool around with loose women?”

“Of course not.”

“Well, then,” says the doctor. “Why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?”

[8 Ball]

An 80-year-old man goes to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was out hunting, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went ’bang, bang’. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Kinetix]

came second for a change.”


ohhhhhhhh :chuckle:

[Esbat]

An 80-year-old man goes to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was out hunting, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went ’bang, bang’. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."


LMFAO..... :P

[8 Ball]

I really should tuen this into a "Jokes of the week" thread :P.


A lady visits the doctor complaining of her husband’s sexual difficulties. The doctor asks her if she’s tried Viagra.

"Not a chance," she replies. "My husband won’t even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," says the doctor. "Just slip it in his coffee. He won’t even taste it."

A week later the woman returns to the doctor.

"It was horrible!" she exclaims. "I did as you told me. The effect was almost immediate. He finished his coffee, picked me up, put me on the table and made vigorous, passionate love to me right there."

The doctor then says, "I don’t understand. Wasn’t it satisfactory?"

The woman replies, "Oh, yes, it was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years. But I’ll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again."

[8 Ball]

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Ten pounds," he replies.

"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."

"We’ll send someone over."

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"

"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."

The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”

[8 Ball]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“

[Tarkenchi]

No more jokes, 8 ball? :mad: :cry:

[8 Ball]

No more jokes, 8 ball? :mad: :cry:

Gah..I'm getting lazy, to preoccupied with life stuff (Whenever any of you get married and your Fiance ask how much planning you want to help with you say NONE ;))