View Full Version : Ask Uncle Mischief: Take 2
"Well, after a lengthy and impromptu trip to Las Vegas... which I'm afraid I won't be discussing here for reasons of national security and my own continuing existence... I am happy (?) to resurrect that blasted advice column of mine... 'Ask Uncle Mischief'!"
*Big, toothy grin.*
(As before, Uncle Mischief will do his best to answer questions, eventually if not in a timely fashion, but reserves the right to answer questions that he doesn't like however the heck he wants. And if he's moody and doesn't feel like answering, his wife may do the responding for him. Just a heads up on that one.)
the_starcrosser
06-03-2005, 03:41 AM
MAHAHAAAAAA....*gasp*HAHAAAAAAMEHEHHHHHHH........
*giggle*
I hope widdy signs up!
Edit: hey, where's the "number+loki+your char" thing? .... i'm still owed one for battleflag.... :look:
Meh... I think I'll write yours specially... I'm not sure I want to start that thing up again... it took a lot out of me. :jono: :write:
Impact
06-03-2005, 05:20 AM
Dear Uncle Mischief,
How do you feel about your daughter recieving training in swordsmanship and martial arts? A recent occurance *snicker* has caused me to want her to get involved with that part of my life even more. Not to mention that I find warrior like qualities and actions in a woman very attractive......but anyway....if she should, how do you think I should go about getting her more involved than she is? Thanks again.
Always sharp,
Brendan
Dear Uncle Mischief,
How do you feel about your daughter recieving training in swordsmanship and martial arts? A recent occurance *snicker* has caused me to want her to get involved with that part of my life even more. Not to mention that I find warrior like qualities and actions in a woman very attractive......but anyway....if she should, how do you think I should go about getting her more involved than she is? Thanks again.
Always sharp,
Brendan
Dear Brendan. Or should I call you future son-in-law?
I have no qualms about your giving my daughter instruction in the ways of the sword -- many Asgardian maidens know how to weild a blade. As for the how of it, ask, suggest, cajole. But if she's dead set against it, good luck. 10,000 years and I *still* haven't figured out how to talk a woman into something she WILL NOT do...
Speaking of training, I think you're past due for another lesson in magic... and I'm sure I could teach you *both* a thing or two about the proper use of a broadsword rather than that little Asian thing you use...
-- Uncle Mischief, berzerkly.
Dear Uncle,
I dost hope ye art well. We must speak again sometime. Mine question however is how wouldst one go about wooing the fair mortal females of this world. I wouldst be most interested in an odd green lady I hast on occassion come across. Please help.
Your nephew
Dear Uncle,
I dost hope ye art well. We must speak again sometime. Mine question however is how wouldst one go about wooing the fair mortal females of this world. I wouldst be most interested in an odd green lady I hast on occassion come across. Please help.
Your nephew
Dear Nephew,
(*Twitch*....) If it's the same green lady I think you're talking about, I dare say she's not actually of this world... Careful... she likes mead, and she's somewhat telepathic... and she tastes vaguely of pears...
Wait a minute, why am I telling you this? Darn it all, you're a married man! *waggles finger*
-- Uncle Mischief, hypocritically
The Widowed
06-03-2005, 08:44 AM
I hope widdy signs up!
Be careful what you wi...hope for. :D
Dear Uncle Mischief,
Are the Rikti the ones who are doing all the anal probing, cattle eviscerating and crop circle leaving? Or is it some other guys?
Watching the stars,
Widdy
Dear Uncle Mischief,
Are the Rikti the ones who are doing all the anal probing, cattle eviscerating and crop circle leaving? Or is it some other guys?
Watching the stars,
Widdy
Dear Widdy,
... Oh... uh... sure! Definitely the Rikti. And all on their own, too. With no help from me whatsoever.
*Hides mind-altering drugs behind his back*
-- Uncle Mischief, hallucinogenically
Spectre-x
06-03-2005, 07:31 PM
Uncle Mischief,
Why do you have to be such a gigantic cheater at everything? Even the noble tradition of outdrinking someone isn't safe. That is going to result in you 'accidentally' beaking your nose once, you know.
Just as a warning.
Menacingly,
John Carlson.
P.S. Can you give me some more of that yellow liquor you gave me when I 'commented' on your drumming skills? That stuff was good. It made your drumming bareable. And don't think I didn't recognize you.
Because I did.
Recognize you.
P.P.S. I'll let all of this slide if you hook me up with some hot Asgardian chicks. I like strong women. They tend to remain uninjured during lovemaking.
Akamaz
06-03-2005, 07:53 PM
hey uncle Mischief,
Why are sock monkeys so damn cute?
Uncle Mischief,
Why do you have to be such a gigantic cheater at everything? Even the noble tradition of outdrinking someone isn't safe. That is going to result in you 'accidentally' beaking your nose once, you know.
Just as a warning.
Menacingly,
John Carlson.
P.S. Can you give me some more of that yellow liquor you gave me when I 'commented' on your drumming skills? That stuff was good. It made your drumming bareable. And don't think I didn't recognize you.
Because I did.
Recognize you.
P.P.S. I'll let all of this slide if you hook me up with some hot Asgardian chicks. I like strong women. They tend to remain uninjured during lovemaking.
Dear John,
Hello? Chaos god... playing by the rules goes against my nature. And if I recall, YOU werent' straight up honest *either*...
PS: I could enchant a drinking vessel for you, I suppose. Especially if you decide not to hurt me.
P.P.S: I'd hook you up with some hot Asgardian chicks except for a few tiny details... first... I've already hooked up with most of them, and they no longer trust me... still trying to figure that one out... and second, no, my daughters are not available.
-- Uncle Mischief, protectively.
hey uncle Mischief,
Why are sock monkeys so damn cute?
Dear Sock Monkey,
That is the way of things, as laid down since the foundation of the world.
Also... whatever you're smoking... I want some.
-- Uncle 'sock it to me' Mischief
Akamaz
06-03-2005, 09:06 PM
dear uncle mischief,
Who put the bop in the bop shu bop shu bop, who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong?
The Big Bopper
dear uncle mischief,
Who put the bop in the bop shu bop shu bop, who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong?
The Big Bopper
Dear Bop,
... I don't speak whatever language that is...
-- Uncle Mischief, groovelessly.
The Widowed
06-03-2005, 11:36 PM
Dear Uncle Mischief,
What is the process behind processed meat?
Widdy again...presently holding a Spam sandwich.
Dear Uncle Mischief,
What is the process behind processed meat?
Widdy again...presently holding a Spam sandwich.
Dear Widdy and Spam on rye...
I know not exactly the process involved, but I know it involves weeping, heavy machinery, and assorted unnatural horrible pagan rituals the likes of which you should hope you never see...
By the way... enjoy your sandwich.
-- Uncle Mischief, nauseaously.
The Widowed
06-04-2005, 02:39 AM
Dear Uncle Mischief,
*munch munch munch...*
--Widdy
Dear Uncle Mischief,
*munch munch munch...*
--Widdy
Dear Widdy,
*gags*
--Uncle Mischief, behind a bush
Kurai Inago
06-04-2005, 04:44 AM
Dear Uncle Mischief:
Is the ablity to not sleep considered a super power? I swear the expired Mountan Dew has messed up my DNA or something....
Not Tired
Jordan Koehler
((In all honesty though, I've been Drinking one Mountian Dew Pitch Black a day for a week now, they've all been expired since January, and I've been more awake these past few days than I have in my whole life. I've gotten 4 hours of sleep in the past 3 days and I feel fine.))
The Widowed
06-04-2005, 04:51 AM
Dear Uncle Mischief,
I'm waiting for that Jordan guy's heart to explode. In the meantime, can you recommend any good books to read?
Legibly yours,
--Widdy
Dear Uncle Mischief:
Is the ablity to not sleep considered a super power? I swear the expired Mountan Dew has messed up my DNA or something....
Not Tired
Jordan Koehler
((In all honesty though, I've been Drinking one Mountian Dew Pitch Black a day for a week now, they've all been expired since January, and I've been more awake these past few days than I have in my whole life. I've gotten 4 hours of sleep in the past 3 days and I feel fine.))
Dear Jordan,
I would hesitate to call this... sleepnessness... a power yet, for a couple reasons.
1. You're probably being poisoned by that *substance* you call Mountain Dew, and it is such effects that may be fueling your sleeplessness. Try NOT having any for a day or two and see if you can still do the round-the-clock thing. A 'superpower' should be sustainable on its own.
2. I've done the same thing *without* the aid of caffeinated beverages of questionable freshness, (staying wide awake for several days, with minimal sleep, to no ill effect) and found it highly annoying. Of course, my sleeping habits (heck, ALL of my habits) are more messed up than a sack of weasels put through a wood chipper, so I'm not sure what kind of standard I am to judge one's self against... O_o
-- Uncle Mischief, cuisinartly
Dear Uncle Mischief,
I'm waiting for that Jordan guy's heart to explode. In the meantime, can you recommend any good books to read?
Legibly yours,
--Widdy
Dear Book Wid-worm,
Sorry, I'm still working on my autobiography. But until then, there might be something interesting in a copy of Bulfinch's Mythology if you can get your hands on a copy.
Pay no attention to anything involving me and a horse. It is all lies, I assure you.
-- Uncle Mischief, literarily
Stan Walker
06-04-2005, 12:11 PM
Dear Uncle Mischief,
For the past 3 days my wife has been rather hostile towards me, it seems i can do nothing right. She seems to think that I spend too much time out saving the world. Do you have any tips or tricks or perhaps a how to guide..heck even a spell to make me the knight in shining armor in my ladies eyes?
respectfully,
Hero-guy in the dog house
Dear Uncle Mischief,
For the past 3 days my wife has been rather hostile towards me, it seems i can do nothing right. She seems to think that I spend too much time out saving the world. Do you have any tips or tricks or perhaps a how to guide..heck even a spell to make me the knight in shining armor in my ladies eyes?
respectfully,
Hero-guy in the dog house
Dear Dog House,
Speaking as one who knows full well what it's like to be in disfavor with the wife, (though I usually heartily deserve it...) I will admit that your position is not a pleasant one to be in.
I would advise against a spell on your wife, for the reason that when they find out about it -- don't ask me how, but they usually somehow do-- you will be in bigger trouble than when you started. Yes, I've tried this. There are other, above-board ways to get into her good graces again, however. First of all, you'll need to do a little buttering up. Any man who's been married long enough knows this part. I don't care how necessary your saving of the world is, take a day or two to do this. Get her to the point where she can stand you. Dote on her lavishly.
Once you're back in her good graces, explain briefly how necessary it is for you to save the world. Briefly. I mean it. A monologue will make her mad at you again. Take her to see some of the scary -- but not too scary -- stuff that you do. She'll be glad ever after that you even come home *alive*. Follow up all other world-saving expeditions with statements like "I was thinking of how missed your beautiful smile while I was fighting <insert name of hideous villain here> and I couldn't wait to get home... honey, would you be MY hero?" or something. Let her know you do think about her and value her.
It's not easy striking a balance, and there will be days when she thinks you chose something else over her. But, friend, find that balance however you can, because an unhappy wife is at least as dire a situation as overlord #436,902,902.3 coming to take over the world. Again.
-- Uncle Mischief, ladies-man-ly
Spectre-x
06-04-2005, 08:15 PM
Dear Uncle Mischief,
I admit that I was not being completely straightforward, but not informing someone else about one's own particularly high degree of intestinal fortitude is not exactly in the same league of dishonesty as actually placing spells on a person to hinder his drinking. If you had been any other person I would have probably attempted to tear your head off in order to use your skull as a soup bowl and your spine as a belt. Fortunately, I don't do these things to major mythological figures, because they usually tend to be deities of substantial power.
Anyhoo, the many therapists I have had over the years have all reccomended that I stop bearing grudges against people over trivial matters, and that I focus my excess rage to become more productive. I am finally trying these things out. I haven't made other people cry over spilled milk in three weeks, and I've focused in painting, though I still find it hard to pronounce or spell that 'fergavenes' or 'forgiveaorghl' word, and I keep running our of red paint.
Anyway, to turn over a new leaf, I am challenging you to a re-match, to be held next Saturday night, ten sharp at Voodoo Jack's Restaurant for the Culinary Adventurous. If you don't mind, I've chosen this place because Voodoo Jack, though a close personal friend of mine, is a neutral party when it comes to drinking, and because he will make sure than neither of us cheat, lest we would want to suddenly disintegrate in a spectacular manner.
So, in order to let bygones be bygones, and if time permits (and if it doesn't I'll reschedule), take this challenge.
Also, it's a pity that most of the hot Asgardian chicks don't trust you anymore. However, maybe you could use subterfuge to 'point them into my direction'?
In closing, I will leave you with this pop-culture reference that will probably be lost on you, seeing as you're several millennia old and can't tell sh*t from shinola (which I mean in the nicest possible way).
The drinking contest has been kidnapped by ninjas.
Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the drinking contest?
Mentally speaking somewhat stabler than before,
John Carlson.
P.S. Oh God, did I really write that Bad Dudes thing? I can't believe I did that. I didn't even play that game. I've never even seen an NES. I own a SNES, but that's because it's got Kirby Superstar, which is my favourite game ever, because, you see, Kirby is pink and cute. BUT, if you underestimate him? He'll inhale you and eat you whole. Yeah, I bet you didn't see that coming, did you? No, because you're all "Oh, look at the little pink ball of cute puffiness." And you'll reach over to pet him, but wait! Look out! Oh no! It's too late! You'll be all "Aaaaaugh! Oh God I'm in this thing's stomach and it's digesting me and oh God I'm still alive help me for the love of all that is good and just help me! My skin! It's falling off!" because he'll have eaten you and stolen your powers.
Plus, he's relly very cute. He's all pink, but he can kick ass better than many of the heroes I've met in my life.
P.P.S. I'm not gay.
P.P.P.S. I just realized that I could have just edited that whole Bad Dudes thing out of this letter. I'm not even sure why I'm writing all these post-scripts, either. Do you know? Because I don't.
P.P.P.P.S. I suspect it has something to do with my mental health. Or something. Whatever. I'll stop writing right...NOW. Yeah. Wait, damn.
Dear Uncle,
I have a problem. I tried to approach the green girl when I was attacked by a man in a skull mask with horns and a leather jacket, he actually growled at me; another surrounded by flames and claiming he was given his powers by a sun god, not to mention also laying claim to being her current boyfriend; a third who ran circles around me and lastly one facinated by playing cards who threatened my mental capacity.
Wait I think the one who threatened me on a mental level did something. I seem to have changed my speech pattern and can spell in the modern too.
What am I to do about these gentlemen and their protectiveness of the green girl?
Pleading for help.
Your nephew
Dear Uncle Mischief,
I admit that I was not being completely straightforward, but not informing someone else about one's own particularly high degree of intestinal fortitude is not exactly in the same league of dishonesty as actually placing spells on a person to hinder his drinking. If you had been any other person I would have probably attempted to tear your head off in order to use your skull as a soup bowl and your spine as a belt. Fortunately, I don't do these things to major mythological figures, because they usually tend to be deities of substantial power.
Anyhoo, the many therapists I have had over the years have all reccomended that I stop bearing grudges against people over trivial matters, and that I focus my excess rage to become more productive. I am finally trying these things out. I haven't made other people cry over spilled milk in three weeks, and I've focused in painting, though I still find it hard to pronounce or spell that 'fergavenes' or 'forgiveaorghl' word, and I keep running our of red paint.
Anyway, to turn over a new leaf, I am challenging you to a re-match, to be held next Saturday night, ten sharp at Voodoo Jack's Restaurant for the Culinary Adventurous. If you don't mind, I've chosen this place because Voodoo Jack, though a close personal friend of mine, is a neutral party when it comes to drinking, and because he will make sure than neither of us cheat, lest we would want to suddenly disintegrate in a spectacular manner.
So, in order to let bygones be bygones, and if time permits (and if it doesn't I'll reschedule), take this challenge.
Also, it's a pity that most of the hot Asgardian chicks don't trust you anymore. However, maybe you could use subterfuge to 'point them into my direction'?
In closing, I will leave you with this pop-culture reference that will probably be lost on you, seeing as you're several millennia old and can't tell sh*t from shinola (which I mean in the nicest possible way).
The drinking contest has been kidnapped by ninjas.
Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the drinking contest?
Mentally speaking somewhat stabler than before,
John Carlson.
P.S. Oh God, did I really write that Bad Dudes thing? I can't believe I did that. I didn't even play that game. I've never even seen an NES. I own a SNES, but that's because it's got Kirby Superstar, which is my favourite game ever, because, you see, Kirby is pink and cute. BUT, if you underestimate him? He'll inhale you and eat you whole. Yeah, I bet you didn't see that coming, did you? No, because you're all "Oh, look at the little pink ball of cute puffiness." And you'll reach over to pet him, but wait! Look out! Oh no! It's too late! You'll be all "Aaaaaugh! Oh God I'm in this thing's stomach and it's digesting me and oh God I'm still alive help me for the love of all that is good and just help me! My skin! It's falling off!" because he'll have eaten you and stolen your powers.
Plus, he's relly very cute. He's all pink, but he can kick ass better than many of the heroes I've met in my life.
P.P.S. I'm not gay.
P.P.P.S. I just realized that I could have just edited that whole Bad Dudes thing out of this letter. I'm not even sure why I'm writing all these post-scripts, either. Do you know? Because I don't.
P.P.P.P.S. I suspect it has something to do with my mental health. Or something. Whatever. I'll stop writing right...NOW. Yeah. Wait, damn.
Dear John,
I regret to inform you that my husband has completely vanished, and I've not seen him since this morning... I will have him answer your letter properly when next I see him. Unfortunately, his randomly disappearing is not a new thing, and while I'm quite used to it, I understand if no one else approves.
-- Sigyn. (Does that make me Aunt Mischief?)
Dear Uncle,
I have a problem. I tried to approach the green girl when I was attacked by a man in a skull mask with horns and a leather jacket, he actually growled at me; another surrounded by flames and claiming he was given his powers by a sun god, not to mention also laying claim to being her current boyfriend; a third who ran circles around me and lastly one facinated by playing cards who threatened my mental capacity.
Wait I think the one who threatened me on a mental level did something. I seem to have changed my speech pattern and can spell in the modern too.
What am I to do about these gentlemen and their protectiveness of the green girl?
Pleading for help.
Your nephew
Dear Half-Brother,
As previously mentioned, my husband, your 'uncle', has disappeared, but while he's gone, let me see if I can help you.
It would seem to me that the girl is spoken for. Any attempts seem likely to result in personal injury. I would consider continuing this pursuit unwise.
Oh... do let me know how Sif is doing...
-- Sigyn / "Aunt Mischief"
Spectre-x
06-04-2005, 10:01 PM
Dear Sigyn,
I see. Well, as long as my message reaches your husband, all is well. Maybe you could edit the overly stupid parts out, seeing as I didn't for some reason.
Off the record though. Your husband disappears a lot, eh? I trust that you've found him to be less than trustworthy, huh? Yeah. That must be tough. I can see how much stress that could give someone.
So, uh. What are you wearing?
Sincerely, John Carlson.
Dear Sigyn,
I see. Well, as long as my message reaches your husband, all is well. Maybe you could edit the overly stupid parts out, seeing as I didn't for some reason.
Off the record though. Your husband disappears a lot, eh? I trust that you've found him to be less than trustworthy, huh? Yeah. That must be tough. I can see how much stress that could give someone.
So, uh. What are you wearing?
Sincerely, John Carlson.
Dear John,
I'll see that he gets your message. Nice try.
-- Sigyn / Aunt Mischief
Impact
06-05-2005, 08:44 AM
Dear Aunt Mischief,
Hi....we've never met before but I know of you...and I was wondering if you could possibly help me with something. You see, your husband played a very very mean trick on me...and I was wondering if you could possibly give him a stern talking to or maybe even suggest something I could possibly do to give him a taste of his own medicine...I give you my word that I wouldn't ever do anything really bad to him....just maybe teach him a lesson. After all....I'm sort of connected to him....I guess.....maybe....I could be? Oui....it's complicated...anyway...thanks again...oh and don't let him see this or know that I wrote to you...it'd ruin the surprise.
Sincerely & Sneakily,
Sterling Saber
The Widowed
06-05-2005, 03:04 PM
Dear Uncle/Aunt Mischief,
The Hero Corps has allowed me to write one letter, so I thought it should be to you.
I travelled forward through time to reinvigorate the Third Reich with knowledge and technology stolen from the future, only to find that our descendants have been declawed and turned into the Council. I understand the incident with the Nictus takeover (to some limited degree) and I applaud Requiem's ability to continue with his leadership even through such difficult times. But I feel that the Nictus-infested management has largely neutered the men and women who would continue to fight for our esteemed ideals. In light of my eventual liberation from this cell, I will need your advice in advance. How do I bring back the Fifth Column?
Deutschland über alles,
Wolfgang Ubelmann.
Dear Aunt Mischief,
Hi....we've never met before but I know of you...and I was wondering if you could possibly help me with something. You see, your husband played a very very mean trick on me...and I was wondering if you could possibly give him a stern talking to or maybe even suggest something I could possibly do to give him a taste of his own medicine...I give you my word that I wouldn't ever do anything really bad to him....just maybe teach him a lesson. After all....I'm sort of connected to him....I guess.....maybe....I could be? Oui....it's complicated...anyway...thanks again...oh and don't let him see this or know that I wrote to you...it'd ruin the surprise.
Sincerely & Sneakily,
Sterling Saber
Dear Saber,
... it wasn't the frog spell, was it? He uses that all the time... :rolleyes: As much as you'll hate to hear this, I would strongly advise against trying to prank him back, as he will quite eagerly let it escalate into a vengeful prank war, and worst of all, he does not have a sense of limits or decency. If he has been a bother to you, informing me or one of my step-daughters seems to be the way to make him behave himself. However, don't expect miracles... remember who you're dealing with.
--Aunt Mischief, with a twinge of concern.
Dear Uncle/Aunt Mischief,
The Hero Corps has allowed me to write one letter, so I thought it should be to you.
I travelled forward through time to reinvigorate the Third Reich with knowledge and technology stolen from the future, only to find that our descendants have been declawed and turned into the Council. I understand the incident with the Nictus takeover (to some limited degree) and I applaud Requiem's ability to continue with his leadership even through such difficult times. But I feel that the Nictus-infested management has largely neutered the men and women who would continue to fight for our esteemed ideals. In light of my eventual liberation from this cell, I will need your advice in advance. How do I bring back the Fifth Column?
Deutschland über alles,
Wolfgang Ubelmann.
Dear Mr. Ubelmann,
I'm afraid I'm not terribly familiar with either the Fifth Column or the Council, as I'm merely a housewife standing in for my husband on this advice column, but he told me once that if I receive any questions like this, I should direct the inquirer to seeking the aide of a well-known hero or hero group. I'm sure those servants of the city can offer you much more help than I.
... also, Aunt Mischief wonders if you have any good recipes for apple strudel...
-- Aunt Mischief, helpfully
Dear Half-sister/Uncle,
I secretly attended the hot tub party held by the green girl and her team. I disgused myself as a minor hero type with baggy swimtrunks and sunglasses. I must say I enjoyed myself a lot. However I could not bring myself to approach her due to the fire flinging guy and the speedster hanging around her constantly. What am I to do? I don't want to be incenerated, beaten, or mind controled but at the same time I am strangely attracted to her. Help!
Nervously,
T
Dear Uncle Mischief,
I am writing this letter seeking advice on how I can propose properly to my girl. LG and I have been dating for over a year now after literally running into each other in our team's training room. I invited her for coffee and things took off from there. What would be the proper atmosphere in which to propose to her? Do you know of what Earth customs I should follow? Is this ring I've been told about so important? Regal keeps telling me it is and that he's willing to crush a bunch of carbon into another type of rock for me to use in it. Sounds expensive, I may have inherited a small sum from a late media baron but it could take all my money.
Then there is the ceremony itself, if I can get her to say yes. What are earth customs on this? Where I come from nobles are in arrangements right after being born so I am not used to this actual love and free will thing. Please help.
T'omaz Ar'gos
Nexus
LoT
PS. I made dinner reservations at Brights' Bistro. Was this a wise move on my part?
The Widowed
06-08-2005, 04:15 PM
Dear Mr. Ubelmann,
I'm afraid I'm not terribly familiar with either the Fifth Column or the Council, as I'm merely a housewife standing in for my husband on this advice column, but he told me once that if I receive any questions like this, I should direct the inquirer to seeking the aide of a well-known hero or hero group. I'm sure those servants of the city can offer you much more help than I.
... also, Aunt Mischief wonders if you have any good recipes for apple strudel...
-- Aunt Mischief, helpfully
Dear Aunt Mischief,
I must remind you that I am presently imprisoned, and it was a group of heroes who put me here. Please understand my reluctance to bargain with them; I am still nursing the bruises from my last encounter. Perhaps there is another way?
As for the apple strudel recipe, perhaps you should try this:
Blätterteig Apfel Strudel (Apple Strudel)
4 medium tart green apples, peeled, cored, quartered, sliced
1 cup toasted sliced almonds, chopped, divided use
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2/3 cup raisins
1 cup sugar
Pinch of ground cinnamon
1 slice of sponge cake, 10 x 2 1/4-inch
1/3 cup rum
1 sheet prepared frozen puff pastry, thawed according to package directions
Egg Wash: 1 egg beaten with 1 teaspoon water
1 tablespoon sugar
Optional Garnish: whipped cream and fresh berries
Preheat oven to 375*F (190*C).
In a large bowl, combine apples, 3/4 cup of the almonds, sour cream, whipping cream, vanilla, raisins, sugar and cinnamon. Toss gently. Allow to stand at room temperature for 30 minutes.
Place puff pastry on a lightly floured, dry surface. Using a rolling pin, roll until approximately 12 x 6 x 1/8-inch. Place on baking sheet. Place sponge cake down the middle. Drizzle rum over cake. Place apple mixture on top of cake. Fold puff pastry over the top and seal. Seal ends, too.
Brush with egg wash. Sprinkle on remaining almonds and 1 tablespoon sugar. Bake in middle of preheated oven until golden brown, approximately 20 to 25 minutes.
Makes 8 servings.
*To toast almonds, place on baking sheet and place in a 350*F (180*C) oven for 3 to 5 minutes. Watch carefully because they can burn easily.
The morale of the Third Reich was ultimately sustained by the grace of apple strudel, you see.
Wishing victory over all (except for us, perhaps),
Wolfgang Ubelmann
ThunderMace
06-08-2005, 04:38 PM
Dear Uncle Mischief:
What's with the freaky children? I mean a wolf is bad enough, but a Serpent?
and don't get me started on Hel...
You should try to be for selective of your mistresses in the future. I mean really...
Oh, Please tell your half-brother to swing by my shop when he gets a chance, and to bring some more of that kickass mead of his.
Tell him to leave those damn goats of his at home though.
Dear Half-sister/Uncle,
I secretly attended the hot tub party held by the green girl and her team. I disgused myself as a minor hero type with baggy swimtrunks and sunglasses. I must say I enjoyed myself a lot. However I could not bring myself to approach her due to the fire flinging guy and the speedster hanging around her constantly. What am I to do? I don't want to be incenerated, beaten, or mind controled but at the same time I am strangely attracted to her. Help!
Nervously,
T
Dear Nephew,
... Yes, I'm back now. I see your desire to pursue this girl has remained unchanged, so let me make the suggestion that you must first get her attention without at the same time getting the attention of the gentlemen around her. The easiest way to do this is with letters or other correspondence. It would be terribly inconsiderate of them to read sealed messages meant for her... and from what I've been told, it's against some sort of law around here anyway. Don't ask how I found that out.
A word of advice? Don't put your name anywhere on the outside of the envelope, only inside where only she will see it.
-- Uncle Mischief, sneakily.
Dear Uncle Mischief,
I am writing this letter seeking advice on how I can propose properly to my girl. LG and I have been dating for over a year now after literally running into each other in our team's training room. I invited her for coffee and things took off from there. What would be the proper atmosphere in which to propose to her? Do you know of what Earth customs I should follow? Is this ring I've been told about so important? Regal keeps telling me it is and that he's willing to crush a bunch of carbon into another type of rock for me to use in it. Sounds expensive, I may have inherited a small sum from a late media baron but it could take all my money.
Then there is the ceremony itself, if I can get her to say yes. What are earth customs on this? Where I come from nobles are in arrangements right after being born so I am not used to this actual love and free will thing. Please help.
T'omaz Ar'gos
Nexus
LoT
PS. I made dinner reservations at Brights' Bistro. Was this a wise move on my part?
Dear NexT'o,
Neither I nor my wife have been in modern Midgard long enough to know how this works either, but pretty sparklies are always important for getting in the favor of a woman. Where I come from, wedding ceremonies involve sacrifices, a life-or-death oath, and all manner of solemn rituals... oh yes, as well as lots of food, alcohol, and good company. And sex. That's important too.
If you should like further information, I can direct you to various sources such as magazines, books, or wedding planner professionals who do this sort of thing for a living.
-- Uncle Mischief, matrimonially
Dear Aunt Mischief,
I must remind you that I am presently imprisoned, and it was a group of heroes who put me here. Please understand my reluctance to bargain with them; I am still nursing the bruises from my last encounter. Perhaps there is another way?
As for the apple strudel recipe, perhaps you should try this:
(Edit: cut for sake of space)
The morale of the Third Reich was ultimately sustained by the grace of apple strudel, you see.
Wishing victory over all (except for us, perhaps),
Wolfgang Ubelmann
Dear Ube,
My wife thanks you for the strudel recipe, and I'm sure I will too once she endeavors to make it. Never had strudel before...
As for your attempts to revive your regime, I think I could put you in touch with an undead army... I'll just need them back before I launch my war...
... Did I just write that?
... ahem...
-- Uncle Mischief, awkwardly
Dear Uncle Mischief:
What's with the freaky children? I mean a wolf is bad enough, but a Serpent?
and don't get me started on Hel...
You should try to be for selective of your mistresses in the future. I mean really...
Oh, Please tell your half-brother to swing by my shop when he gets a chance, and to bring some more of that kickass mead of his.
Tell him to leave those damn goats of his at home though.
Dear Anonymous,
You forgot the eight-legged horse. :grr: Really though, how distasteful to bring up my scandals! I'll remind you that I do actually have *some* legitimate children... my twin daughters Eisa and Einmyria even live in Paragon. They're from my first wife. I had two sons from my present wife, but... well.... we don't talk about that.
Anyhow, I'll be sure to tell him. At present I think he's experimenting with a motorcycle instead of the goat-drawn cart, so I doubt you'll have to worry about goats eating your pants/magazines/car anymore. Unless, of course, you invite me too, in which case anything can happen.
-- Uncle Mischief, disgruntledly
The Widowed
06-10-2005, 05:30 AM
Dear Uncle Mischief,
I first wish to commend you for loaning to me such a formidable undead army. Though I understand your reluctance in consigning them to my use, I am confident that I shall only succeed with such stalwart men-at-arms, even if they are a bit unsightly; My attempt to clothe them in the military uniforms of proud Deutschland did not go well.
However, the jailbreak they staged for the purpose of liberating me was flawless. The safehouse to which they led me is very suitable for my needs, though the larder is somewhat understocked with food. But to my surprise this last problem was swiftly remedied when the undead minions lurched through the door, dragging a marvellous eight-legged steed among them! I know not how these walking dead possessed the wherewithal to locate an eight-legged horse, but perhaps I am in no position to concern myself with such details.
The Reich had only recently conquered France before I travelled forward through time on my noble and ambitious endeavor. Hence, I never found the time to experience French cuisine. But I have always understood that some schools of French cuisine rely heavily on the procurement of horse meat for preparation. Perhaps in exchange for my strudel recipe, you could indulge me with a few recipes which involve properly grilling eight T-bone horse steaks?
Deutschland über all y'alls,
Wolfgang Ubelmann
Dear Uncle,
Just received a message from Father. Even though he is still mighty angry at us he has noted that one of the cousins is missing from his special stable. A scrap of smelly cloth was found at the scene. He suspects some sort of foul play is at hand. And for some reason was blaming both you and me again. Please correct this with him.
Earnestly,
T
PS Tell "anonymous" I know who he is and will bring the mead by later this week and also show him how I restored the Harley I bought. The goats were getting rather old and grouchy.
Dear Uncle Mischief,
I first wish to commend you for loaning to me such a formidable undead army. Though I understand your reluctance in consigning them to my use, I am confident that I shall only succeed with such stalwart men-at-arms, even if they are a bit unsightly; My attempt to clothe them in the military uniforms of proud Deutschland did not go well.
However, the jailbreak they staged for the purpose of liberating me was flawless. The safehouse to which they led me is very suitable for my needs, though the larder is somewhat understocked with food. But to my surprise this last problem was swiftly remedied when the undead minions lurched through the door, dragging a marvellous eight-legged steed among them! I know not how these walking dead possessed the wherewithal to locate an eight-legged horse, but perhaps I am in no position to concern myself with such details.
The Reich had only recently conquered France before I travelled forward through time on my noble and ambitious endeavor. Hence, I never found the time to experience French cuisine. But I have always understood that some schools of French cuisine rely heavily on the procurement of horse meat for preparation. Perhaps in exchange for my strudel recipe, you could indulge me with a few recipes which involve properly grilling eight T-bone horse steaks?
Deutschland über all y'alls,
Wolfgang Ubelmann
Dear Ube,
... I don't even know how to begin to say this...
That eight legged horse is my son. Please don't eat him. Yes, you read that correctly.
... *grumble* :grr: Why is everyone staring at me?
-- Uncle Mischief, maternally
Dear Uncle,
Just received a message from Father. Even though he is still mighty angry at us he has noted that one of the cousins is missing from his special stable. A scrap of smelly cloth was found at the scene. He suspects some sort of foul play is at hand. And for some reason was blaming both you and me again. Please correct this with him.
Earnestly,
T
PS Tell "anonymous" I know who he is and will bring the mead by later this week and also show him how I restored the Harley I bought. The goats were getting rather old and grouchy.
Dear Nephew,
*wince* Of course he thinks it's my fault. Not sure how he figures you to be involved, though... you never were any good at doing something incredibly stupid and geniously underhanded at the same time...
Trust me, I'm already on this one... *runs off to avert crisis again*
-- Uncle Mischief, with deep concern for his neck.
The Widowed
06-11-2005, 07:10 PM
deAR UncLE misCHIef,
foRGIve thE ERratic hanDWRIting. I AVerteD THe butCHEring oF YOUr offSPRing, aS YOu reQUEsted. i DARe noT ASk by whAT MeanS YOur soN COUld be aN EIght-leGGEd hoRSE, but i'VE SEen moRE BIzarre oUTCOmes fROm TOp-secRET nAZI expERImentS.
dePRIved oF MY Meal, i DECIded tO RElive MY YOuth aND Take tHE HOrse fOR A RIde. i wAS QUite tHE ProuD YOung gERMAn equESTRian in MY DAy, afTER all. BUt no HORse in mY YOUth evER LEft a sONIC boom AS IT begaN To gaLLOp maDLY and BEAr me oN A High-sPEED sprINT ArounD The enTIRE gloBE.
I Think THIs musT BE LIbya we'RE COMing upON NOw. i hoPE WE pass WIThin arM'S REach of A MAilbox; i'D HATE To drop tHIS LEtter iN THe strEET Or the dESERt or whATNOt.
i reALLY neeD TO urinaTE. BAdly.
aND I'm stILL HungRY.
heLP,
WOlfgang uBELMann
Spectre-x
06-11-2005, 08:55 PM
Dear Uncle Mischief,
Hello, 'tis I, LeClerc. No, actually it's John Carlson.
About that rematch. Are you in?
So excited I could just go up in flames,
John Carlson.
The Widowed
06-18-2005, 10:01 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v233/Badjoke/web%20design/bumpmario.gif
Thanks, Kin. :D
The Widowed
06-27-2005, 08:22 PM
Dear Uncle Mischief,
How do you get Chemlight stains out of black rubber? I want to look good for the next Freaklympics.
Your fan,
Skeeve the Freak
deAR UncLE misCHIef,
foRGIve thE ERratic hanDWRIting. I AVerteD THe butCHEring oF YOUr offSPRing, aS YOu reQUEsted. i DARe noT ASk by whAT MeanS YOur soN COUld be aN EIght-leGGEd hoRSE, but i'VE SEen moRE BIzarre oUTCOmes fROm TOp-secRET nAZI expERImentS.
dePRIved oF MY Meal, i DECIded tO RElive MY YOuth aND Take tHE HOrse fOR A RIde. i wAS QUite tHE ProuD YOung gERMAn equESTRian in MY DAy, afTER all. BUt no HORse in mY YOUth evER LEft a sONIC boom AS IT begaN To gaLLOp maDLY and BEAr me oN A High-sPEED sprINT ArounD The enTIRE gloBE.
I Think THIs musT BE LIbya we'RE COMing upON NOw. i hoPE WE pass WIThin arM'S REach of A MAilbox; i'D HATE To drop tHIS LEtter iN THe strEET Or the dESERt or whATNOt.
i reALLY neeD TO urinaTE. BAdly.
aND I'm stILL HungRY.
heLP,
WOlfgang uBELMann
Dear Ube,
*wince* That horse's usual rider is used to moving at those speeds, so it is unaware that he's going too fast for a mere mortal... If you can reach his head, I would suggest covering his eyes -- horses hate to run at breakneck speeds when they can't see where they are going... he should stop in due course, at which point you can dismount in a royal hurry and let him go back to his stable. Trust me, he can find the way.
As for the bodily needs... let's hope he drops you near a restaurant with a free bathroom.
-- Uncle Mischief, Equestrianly
Dear Uncle Mischief,
Hello, 'tis I, LeClerc. No, actually it's John Carlson.
About that rematch. Are you in?
So excited I could just go up in flames,
John Carlson.
Dear John,
That depends on what the definition of 'in' is. By 'in' do you mean 'in' the country? Or perhaps 'in' good standing with the law? Or 'in' possession of a means of transportation, good clothing, free time, or anything resembling any income?
The answer to all of these is no, as I'm currently quite busy trying to catch up with a freaked-out eight-legged horse, which involves breaking a lot of border codes, upsetting numerous officials, hitchhiking, ruining clothing, running ragged, and stealing food so I don't go hungry.
I'll see about the rematch when said horse is safely back where he belongs. *grumble*
-- Uncle Mischief, worldwide
Dear Uncle Mischief,
How do you get Chemlight stains out of black rubber? I want to look good for the next Freaklympics.
Your fan,
Skeeve the Freak
Dear Skeeve,
Hmmmm... that's a tough one... My wife suggests saturating the stain with soda water and scrubbing with a tooth brush... my personal favorite method of stain removal is to plunge myself headlong into pristine Norwegian snow and recite an incantation wherein the snow takes on the stain. It's a tricky one, though... you have to say it right or the snow doesn't just absorb the stain, but your clothes as well. O_o
If all else fails, I'm sure there are plenty of talented dry cleaners out there. This is Paragon, after all.
-- Uncle Mischief, Laundromatically
The Widowed
06-29-2005, 06:30 PM
Dear Uncle Mischief,
I am pleased to report that I have finally dismounted from that infernal horse after releasing the saddle and plunging into a deep lake somewhere here in Nigeria. However, in exchange for a place to stay and a return trip to Germany (which my hosts have repeatedly assured me will be sometime soon), they have put me to work with a computer with the task of sending online messages to people around the world under the guise that I am deposed Nigerian royalty. The proper use of these modern computers has taken considerable time to learn, I will grant that. Hitler's Germany never had such wonders as this machine and the internet beyond it.
The substance of the messages which I send out is that I am to solicit a high amount of money from these prospects after instilling in them the false hope that giving such money to me will ensure untold millions to the recipient, who is more often than not some average peon who has never proven himself to be savvy with any vast fortune. My questions are these: How is this trickery so successful? Is human greed truly so powerful that it can drive people to commit to such foolish courses of action as entrusting sizeable sums of money to complete strangers? And have you--the scion of deception and cunning--ever participated in such a plot?
I hear the bell chiming. Our supervisor will be down soon to release us from our shackles and escort us to dinner. I wonder if they will be serving strudel.
Sincerely,
Wolfgang Ubelmann
Akamaz
06-29-2005, 08:40 PM
Dear uncle mischief,
I recently embezzled about 50,000 influence from my former employers and was wondering about a good place to hide out in. (one of them is a really scary sociopath....)
umm.. some french guy...
Dear Uncle Mischief,
I proposed to Alexa a couple weeks ago and the wedding is this weekend. I am wondering if Promethius Park in AP is a good place to hold the ceremony. Also I am looking for a good clergy type person and a band for the evening.
Can you make any recommendations considering I'm an alien exiled from my home empire (crown prince actually but I don't want to talk about it) and my wife grew up here in Paragon City. Also is there anyway to make sure the site is secure and will not be attacked by either villains or bombed by my angry family (death rays and cake just don't go together).
Thanks for any advice
T'omaz Ar'gos
Nexus
League of Titans
PS Do you know how to keep a group of drunken heroes from not getting too out of line at the Bacheluer party and any females that could help out the best man?
RAGNARöK
07-07-2005, 08:04 PM
Dear Uncle "Mischief",
I was wondering what it would take to get my father to step away from our personal home computer to help pull his weight around the base. He claims that the world needs his all knowing (if not corruptible) advice on how to deal with things.
Gun-totting-"Golem"
P.S. Jake told me about unauthorized tapping of the base computer from our personal computer and Jake "Wants to know how my modernly inept father pulled it off." (His exact words)
Dear Uncle Mischief,
I am pleased to report that I have finally dismounted from that infernal horse after releasing the saddle and plunging into a deep lake somewhere here in Nigeria. However, in exchange for a place to stay and a return trip to Germany (which my hosts have repeatedly assured me will be sometime soon), they have put me to work with a computer with the task of sending online messages to people around the world under the guise that I am deposed Nigerian royalty. The proper use of these modern computers has taken considerable time to learn, I will grant that. Hitler's Germany never had such wonders as this machine and the internet beyond it.
The substance of the messages which I send out is that I am to solicit a high amount of money from these prospects after instilling in them the false hope that giving such money to me will ensure untold millions to the recipient, who is more often than not some average peon who has never proven himself to be savvy with any vast fortune. My questions are these: How is this trickery so successful? Is human greed truly so powerful that it can drive people to commit to such foolish courses of action as entrusting sizeable sums of money to complete strangers? And have you--the scion of deception and cunning--ever participated in such a plot?
I hear the bell chiming. Our supervisor will be down soon to release us from our shackles and escort us to dinner. I wonder if they will be serving strudel.
Sincerely,
Wolfgang Ubelmann
Dear Ube, again,
I will be taking your questions one at a time, for the sake of clarity.
How is this trickery so successful? Humans are greedy and gullible.
Is human greed truly so powerful that it can drive people to commit to such foolish courses of action as entrusting sizeable sums of money to complete strangers? Yes, especially when combined with gullibility.
And have you--the scion of deception and cunning--ever participated in such a plot? Me? No, never! *takes notes* I'll admit there was an incident with a magic -- albeit cursed -- ring, but I've learned my lesson...
-- Uncle Mischief, Angellically
Dear uncle mischief,
I recently embezzled about 50,000 influence from my former employers and was wondering about a good place to hide out in. (one of them is a really scary sociopath....)
umm.. some french guy...
Dear French Fry... I mean, guy...
I can recommend a really good book for that... "Magical Pocket Dimensions for Dummies", including a pronunciation guide for those harder to sound-out spells. Chapter on making your pocket dimension tamper-proof available in volume two.
-- Uncle Mischief of the deep pockets.
Dear Uncle Mischief,
I proposed to Alexa a couple weeks ago and the wedding is this weekend. I am wondering if Promethius Park in AP is a good place to hold the ceremony. Also I am looking for a good clergy type person and a band for the evening.
Can you make any recommendations considering I'm an alien exiled from my home empire (crown prince actually but I don't want to talk about it) and my wife grew up here in Paragon City. Also is there anyway to make sure the site is secure and will not be attacked by either villains or bombed by my angry family (death rays and cake just don't go together).
Thanks for any advice
T'omaz Ar'gos
Nexus
League of Titans
PS Do you know how to keep a group of drunken heroes from not getting too out of line at the Bacheluer party and any females that could help out the best man?
Dear T'omaz,
My apologies for not sending a timely reply to this, and thus missing the deadline... :( I'm afraid I was.... detained for the weekend for some such mess involving women's underwear, Cheeze Whiz, and the mayor's car... But I hope your special day went over well, and best of luck to you both!
P.S. My people have some lovely newlywed traditions if you're interested.
-- Uncle Mischief, matrimonially.
Dear Uncle "Mischief",
I was wondering what it would take to get my father to step away from our personal home computer to help pull his weight around the base. He claims that the world needs his all knowing (if not corruptible) advice on how to deal with things.
Gun-totting-"Golem"
P.S. Jake told me about unauthorized tapping of the base computer from our personal computer and Jake "Wants to know how my modernly inept father pulled it off." (His exact words)
Dear... Gun-Toter,
Your father sounds as though he's the type to be quite useless at housework or anything else more mundane than counseling the tormented souls who write to him... :D My suggestion would be to appreciate the fact that he's not in the way or causing trouble when he's on your computer, and count your blessings.
P.S. I would have your base computer's security checked into if I were you... Perhaps your 'modernly inept father' is smarter than he appears to be...
-- Uncle Mischief, with a snicker.
Dear Uncle Mischief,
I have a problem. The problem is I can't seem to get a date worth beans. I mean I go up to girls all the time and try to talk to them. But it seems I have developed this reputation of being a trouble maker and as an older friend put it, skirt chaser. I can't help it. The girls here are such babes, you know what I mean.
I was talking to two over in Gemni Park this afternoon. Things were going smoothly until I asked them for their phone numbers. One told me flat out No and the other gave me the number to Paragon Pizza. (I didn't know it was to the pizza place till I called).
Then there was this girl named Pep Grrl this morning that I was assigned to team up with. Dude, she was so fine. But after the assignment and her saying nice things to me (and me making nice comments to her) she was teleported out and I haven't seen her since. And again I didn't get a number. Oh and there was some military type chick tagging along too. (Naturally I thought to myself, Score!) But she wasn't interested except to study me like I was some weird bug or something. Said something about being a dimensional traveler on some sort of mission to study the hero phenomenon here.
So there's my problem in a nutshell. Think you can help?
Sincerely,
Johnathan Tempest III
aka Infinite Flame
GAMMA-MAN
07-12-2005, 11:32 PM
Dear Uncle Mischief,
I'm a Veteran Hero of the final Rikti Invasion last year. I've been trying to reach other veteran heroes in hopes to encourage and to set an example for our younger heroes, to steer them away from ideas of vigilantism. But gradually I’ve learned that veteran heroes are far and few. Most of them were victims of the last Rikti invasion, others just vanished from the face of the planet for various reasons I'm sure.
Like veterans of old wars, we've been forgotten for our heroic victories; we no longer seem excepted by our younger generation of heroes and viewed only as a has-been or old fashion.
I like to view myself as someone into Old School Heroism, where a hero isn’t selfish but willing to fight the good fight for others in need unconditionally, to stand tall with pride knowing that we did our best and we did it well. I’m a hero who has a keen eye for detail, a sharp ear for listening, strength to defend the weak, and a heart so big that I have to wear it on my sleeve. I just wish there were more veterans like myself out there.
Any advice?
A Veteran Hero,
GAMMA-MAN
Evion
07-13-2005, 07:36 AM
Dear Uncle Mischief (Oh, is THAT what you're calling yourself now?),
Don't know why I'm writing to you of all people, but... I'm in a tough spot. No denying it. It's about that curly-haired elf... you remember him? Well, he's been acting really funny lately... Normally he's a pain in the rear, talking back to me and pulling pranks around my guild. Well, recent events were odd, to say the least, and I confronted him on it. After a little... persuasion he spilled everything. When I asked him why he did it... er, I got a surprising response. And after that he left me a letter expressing some deep feelings...
I... Oh Lord, how do I say this? I have no idea how to confront him about this! He wants to know how I feel about him, but I have no clue how I feel! I've lived my life doing my best not to feel!
If... you can somehow help...
Bah, I should know better than to ask you about this. You cheat at everything. Probably just enjoy my torment. Well, I hope you do enjoy yourself, you godly headache.
Cross-dimensionally,
Heather Wardson, Warrior's Guild Leader and God-Whupper
The Widowed
07-16-2005, 01:21 AM
Click click click-click,
Clickclickclick CLACK click clicka-click clickclickclick CLACK
Tock tock tock
ClackaclackaclackaCLANK!
Clack clicka clink,
Sprocket
The Widowed
07-30-2005, 01:06 AM
Dear Uncle Mischief,
Is it normal for roses to spontaneously manifest from thin air, even springing to existence inside somebody's clenched hand?
Sincerely,
The Widowed.
P.S. BUMP
*click clack moo
*click clack moo
*clickety clack moo
Dear Uncle Mischief,
The barn is very cold at night. Please let us have electric blankets.
Sincerely,
The Cows
The Widowed
07-15-2006, 12:07 AM
Dear Mischief Dude,
Holy crap, this advice column's old! I figured I'd, like, bounce on back here after skimming some warez off the Net, right? So Happy Anniversary and stuff! (http://coh.ogaming.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=11888&hl=ask%20uncle%20mischief!&st=0)
I still got all those rivets from, like, where I bolted my legs to Dev/Null, and I had all those teeth which got knocked out by that Euro dude with the electric hammer, but then I replaced the busted-out teeth with, like, these wicked razor blade shark teeth! It's hard as hell to get chicks now that I can't give 'em a good hickey anymore but I don't care because I can bite through bones and crap, and I'm still Teh Sexxors!!!!11 Word up, homes!
So, bro, while I was taking a stroll down Memory Lane, I decided that I'd still be pretty cool if I got a bad-to-the-bone motorcycle and something rockin' to splice onto my ass. Give me any suggestions you got, M-Dog, cuz Teh Sexxorz is back in business!
Shoot back, bud!
Teh Sexxorz!
(Happy Anniversary :) And it appears that spell to switch someone's language to modern is starting to wear a little thin.)
A piece of parchment with a couple burn marks on it arrives in the mail slot.
Dearest Uncle,
I was patroling out on Talos Island on my motorbike when I was hit from behind by hammers and a lightning volt. Being that I be the one who is trained in the control of lightning I attempted to turn the bolt. Twould not work and formed a cage of power around me. Strange hooded men with glowing eyes surrounded me and several of the beings identified as Freaks shoved me from mine bike! I demand compensation! These cretins do not know who they be dealing with! They mentioned something regarding Teh Sexxorz! wanting mine motorbike again.
Know this mortals! Tis mine motorbike and you have nothing to gain from incuring mine wrath!
Uncle could you negotiate with them?
Your nephew
The Widowed
07-15-2006, 04:39 AM
Hey, Uncle Mischief,
Okay...so it's probably been a while since you heard from your old buddy Smashmouth, but I got another dilemna. With a name like Smashmouth, you know I get all sorts of dilemnas. Word.
So I've just been farting around Talos Island with my bros for about a year or so, smashing heroes in the mouth and getting smashed in return. But mostly it's the heroes who keep getting smashed, because those Security Level 25-ish noobs don't know what the hell they're doing most of the time. We didn't see it coming, but Teh Sexxorz remembered the bike we lifted off those Clocks, and he decided he wanted the bike back. I guess he had some good times with that bike, even though he didn't get to keep it for long.
So we found Euro Hammer Dude again and we snatched his wheels. I wanted to stick around and smash Euro Dude in the face. Smashed in the name of Smashmouth, you know? Because I'm Smashmouth, that's why! But Teh Sexxorz wanted us to just grab the goods and run, because he has a hot date down at Spanky's Boardwalk tonight and he wants to impress her with a boss motorbike. I figure as long as he doesn't try to nibble on her neck, they'll be fine.
But it made me want to ask you something. Why do you think there aren't that many women among the Freakshow? It's not anything to do with their hooters, is it? Because, like, you see Freaks running around without shirts all the time because of the big-ass cybernetic arms we have, and the electric shoulder spire Jacob's ladder things that the Stunner Freaks have. Being the sensitive, empathic American male that I am, I'd have no problem with Freak chicks running around topless, but I'm sure the Freak chicks themselves would. So, like, you're probably not an expert on cybernetics and stuff, but wouldn't it be possible for a cyborg chick to have a hardcore scythe blade for a hand and still be able to wear a Power Bra for her jumblies or something? Or maybe we could reduce her embarassment by giving her, like, roboknockers, but that's defeating the purpose. Boobs are supposed to be squishy, right?
I really want more chicks in the Freakshow. Help me get a leg up, bro!
Your bro,
Smashmouth
Dear Smash,
... considering the handful of Freaks I've met, I'm not so sure some of them aren't female... or weren't at some point. But that's neither here or there, so allow me to actually address your question.
There are two ways you could go about getting more chicks into the Freakshow.
1. Take up an active recruiting campaign at junk yards, seedy clubs, and on the rougher side of town. Most females are unsatisfied with themselves, so if you can spin the Freak lifestyle as one that will make them slimmer, sexier, and better than their peers, you'll have their attention. Being surrounded by good looking hard bodies like yourselves doesn't hurt either. *ahem*
2. Or, if you want the cheater's way out -- my personal favorite -- I'm sure I could send you a recipe for a 'quick change' potion... slip it to the girliest fellas among you in a drink, and, well.....
... let's just say the results can be impressive.
Long live the curvy sex.
-- Uncle "I'm MALE, okay??" Mischief.
Dear Uncle,
I tried to talk to that green girl again. She told me off and asked if we could just be friends. So I agreed. That guy with the mental powers again did something to allow me to read, write and speak modern. I think I need to speak with him about this. I certainly have not had a need to learn modern language.
Anyway, have you by chance located my motorcycle? After the Circle of Thorns and Freaks ganged up on me to steal my mode of transport I was hoping you had a lead. I filed a notice with Dectives Smacks and Walker about the issue. Also I contacted Misters Murdock and Nelson about a restraining order to be used against Smashmouth and Teh Sexxorz should they come near me again. I am filing it in court today. I named you as a witness incase one was needed.
I am now investigating how to get my bike back again. I may enlist Thundermace's help in exchange for several kegs of good Asgardian Mead and Beer plus a bottle of Dionsysian wine that I won in last weeks poker game. If that is alright with you. (took a little of your stash, I'll repay you.)
Your Nephew
The Widowed
07-27-2006, 06:10 AM
Dear Uncle Mischief,
We rarely get mail delivered to our crashspace, but something showed up for Smashmouth and Teh Sexxorz today. And after reading over it a few times I still can't make sense of this drivel.
So what's a "subpoena"? I'm pretty sure it's not one of those mail order bride things. Everyone knows Freaks are perpetually broke because they sink all their cash into cybernetics. Except for me. When you're a smasher tank, there's not many more flesh-and-blood parts you can replace, you know? So I blow all my money on booze instead. Primo booze, mind you; Mad Cat tastes like gutter water with a cherry smashed in it.
Anyway, what should we do about this subpoena? If it's got the county sheriff's signature on it, I'm pretty sure it's important.
Hurry back,
Dev/Null
(So I was writing a bit in the Knights boards about a different subject. But needed to reference something from here and the old thread (http://coh.ogaming.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=11888&hl=ask%20uncle%20mischief!&st=15) so I figured why not resurrect this old thing. Both are pure comedy gold and we all need a laugh. So BUMP!)
The Widowed
10-16-2007, 04:10 AM
Dear Nyx,
Uncle Mischief misses you.
Love,
Us. :)
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